Status update
Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my therapist. As is my habit, I find myself reflecting on my life and where I'm at - because she'll ask, right?
Dad died on November 13. I tried to cry. I tried to really feel it, you know, but I couldn't. I felt strangely indifferent. Now, I can't get it off of my mind.
Confession #1: I'm writing while sitting at the coffee shop - my home away from home. I spend so much time here. I'm guessing because it's not the house. It's my hideaway.
I'm angry. To an outside observer, I imagine that might be a surprise. I've learned to do such a good job keeping my emotions in check, that even I am surprised by the amount of anger I have festering deep inside me. I want to punch and hit and bite and scream myself hoarse. I want to breakdown and cry with the sucking heaves. I'm not sure why, because I'm not exactly sure what I'm angry at. Fate? Life? Rebecca? I'm also not sure why I can't let myself go...
Confession #2: Can I be completely honest with my therapist (and does it matter one way or the other)? At this point I'm planning on showing this to her. Will I follow through? In the extremes of my loneliness, coupled with my inability to reach out to others can I make her understand my frustration at the limits of our relationship? It also begs the question: What's the purpose of therapy in my life right now?
Oh God, my loneliness threatens to consume me.
Meanwhile, Emma and Grace need a fully functioning parent and I just feel like I'm slipping away...
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Number 25
10 Thoughts on an election
1. Well... at least the Cubs won.
2. During the campaign, I've said that the Democrats need to be wary about what was happening to the Republican party. I believed (and still do) that the Trump phenomenon was mostly about people's extreme dissatisfaction with "politics as usual". I thought that something similar could happen to the Democrats, if the party wasn't careful. I was wrong in my thinking that something could happen, because something similar was already happening, i.e. Bernie Sanders. As it turns out, it wasn't just conservatives who were tired of all the bullshit coming out of Washington, DC.
I lay this defeat right in the lap of the national Democratic Party who anointed Hillary Clinton the front runner right from the start, and did their level best to make sure she ended up the nominee. If they had been paying attention they would have heard that dissatisfaction coming from the left as well (towards "politics as usual"). With the negatives associated with Trump, this should have been a cake walk for the Democrats. The national party should have paid more attention to where the enthusiasm was. It would have been much easier to run a national campaign based on that kind of enthusiasm (as opposed to one that was continually putting out the brush fires - both legitimate and illegitimate - that dogged Hillary). I believe Bernie would have easily beat Trump.
3. Of course the orange-headed, entitled narcissist will completely misread his victory as being about him rather than the extreme disgust ordinary people felt towards a national government that seemed broken.
4. Trump was not elected because of who or what he is; he was elected in spite of those things. I believe the middle 10% of the people who make the difference in any presidential election, would readily admit that he is a loathsome toad. It's just their disgust with Washington, and the perception that electing Hillary would result in more of the same, was a more significant factor in their estimation.
5. I asked my daughter this question this morning, as I believe it is a question that only females can answer. Is Hillary unlikable to many people because she acts in an unlikable way, or is there a (sexist) double-standard at work? Without hesitation, Grace replied "sexism".
As a male, I have to reluctantly agree with her. I've never been a huge Hillary fan, and I suspect that some of my dislike is influenced by her sex. In other words, I don't believe I would judge a male candidate as harshly if he did some of the things that I found dislikable about Hillary. (Although I try really hard to be aware of this!)
On the other hand, I do feel that some of the negativity Hillary attracted was simply character-based. She always seemed too intoxicated by power (Bill, too, for that matter), and there is no way to argue with the perception that she's an ingrained Washington insider.
(On a side note: I hope this election puts an end to any future Clinton/Bush presidential aspirations)
6. The most important person in Washington DC is Ruth Bader-Ginsberg's personal physician.
7. Watch Justice Roberts carefully. I'm (very) cautiously optimistic that he's not the ideologue conservative he's perceived as - especially if their are extreme efforts to roll back recent civil rights decisions. I hope I'm correct.
8. It'll be fun to watch Trump wiggle out of the many outrageous pronouncements he made during the campaign. (My bold prediction: No wall will ever be built.)
9. Can we now pay attention to the fact that Trump has two criminal trials awaiting him in the next two months?
10. Can we now pay attention to the significance of Russian espionage during the campaign.
1. Well... at least the Cubs won.
2. During the campaign, I've said that the Democrats need to be wary about what was happening to the Republican party. I believed (and still do) that the Trump phenomenon was mostly about people's extreme dissatisfaction with "politics as usual". I thought that something similar could happen to the Democrats, if the party wasn't careful. I was wrong in my thinking that something could happen, because something similar was already happening, i.e. Bernie Sanders. As it turns out, it wasn't just conservatives who were tired of all the bullshit coming out of Washington, DC.
I lay this defeat right in the lap of the national Democratic Party who anointed Hillary Clinton the front runner right from the start, and did their level best to make sure she ended up the nominee. If they had been paying attention they would have heard that dissatisfaction coming from the left as well (towards "politics as usual"). With the negatives associated with Trump, this should have been a cake walk for the Democrats. The national party should have paid more attention to where the enthusiasm was. It would have been much easier to run a national campaign based on that kind of enthusiasm (as opposed to one that was continually putting out the brush fires - both legitimate and illegitimate - that dogged Hillary). I believe Bernie would have easily beat Trump.
3. Of course the orange-headed, entitled narcissist will completely misread his victory as being about him rather than the extreme disgust ordinary people felt towards a national government that seemed broken.
4. Trump was not elected because of who or what he is; he was elected in spite of those things. I believe the middle 10% of the people who make the difference in any presidential election, would readily admit that he is a loathsome toad. It's just their disgust with Washington, and the perception that electing Hillary would result in more of the same, was a more significant factor in their estimation.
5. I asked my daughter this question this morning, as I believe it is a question that only females can answer. Is Hillary unlikable to many people because she acts in an unlikable way, or is there a (sexist) double-standard at work? Without hesitation, Grace replied "sexism".
As a male, I have to reluctantly agree with her. I've never been a huge Hillary fan, and I suspect that some of my dislike is influenced by her sex. In other words, I don't believe I would judge a male candidate as harshly if he did some of the things that I found dislikable about Hillary. (Although I try really hard to be aware of this!)
On the other hand, I do feel that some of the negativity Hillary attracted was simply character-based. She always seemed too intoxicated by power (Bill, too, for that matter), and there is no way to argue with the perception that she's an ingrained Washington insider.
(On a side note: I hope this election puts an end to any future Clinton/Bush presidential aspirations)
6. The most important person in Washington DC is Ruth Bader-Ginsberg's personal physician.
7. Watch Justice Roberts carefully. I'm (very) cautiously optimistic that he's not the ideologue conservative he's perceived as - especially if their are extreme efforts to roll back recent civil rights decisions. I hope I'm correct.
8. It'll be fun to watch Trump wiggle out of the many outrageous pronouncements he made during the campaign. (My bold prediction: No wall will ever be built.)
9. Can we now pay attention to the fact that Trump has two criminal trials awaiting him in the next two months?
10. Can we now pay attention to the significance of Russian espionage during the campaign.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Monday, September 26, 2016
Number 23
Donny & Genny have a date
So the first presidential debate is going to happen tonight. I'm not sure if I'll watch - my vote is not up for grabs - because I'm not sure if I'd be able to keep my supper down. The knowledge that Mr. Trump has invited Gennifer Flowers doesn't suggest a debate long on substance. Beyond Hillary herself, What the fuck difference does it make whether her spouse has had one affair or twenty during their marriage? That's their business. And speaking of marital infidelities, would there be enough room in the front row for all of Donny's dalliances? The man oozes slime.
I kinda hope that Hillary asks him directly what he was hoping to accomplish by inviting Ms. Flowers, but the man is beyond shame so it's likely that nothing much would come from it.
Look, I'm not a big Hillary fan. I've often been wary of her, and if someone were to ask me about certain aspects of her political career, it would be difficult for me to defend her. But for the most part, I agree with her policy positions, therefore I'm comfortable voting for her.
Honestly folks, when you tote up the pro and cons of both candidates is there really any comparison? I don't know what gold-plated shit Donald Trump is covered in, but the sheer number of negatives associated with him would have disqualified any other candidate one hundred times over.
But maybe I'm just misreading the entire situation. Maybe Donny invited Genny only because the two of them have taken up with one another. They've both proven themselves willing to commit adultery in the past.
So the first presidential debate is going to happen tonight. I'm not sure if I'll watch - my vote is not up for grabs - because I'm not sure if I'd be able to keep my supper down. The knowledge that Mr. Trump has invited Gennifer Flowers doesn't suggest a debate long on substance. Beyond Hillary herself, What the fuck difference does it make whether her spouse has had one affair or twenty during their marriage? That's their business. And speaking of marital infidelities, would there be enough room in the front row for all of Donny's dalliances? The man oozes slime.
I kinda hope that Hillary asks him directly what he was hoping to accomplish by inviting Ms. Flowers, but the man is beyond shame so it's likely that nothing much would come from it.
Look, I'm not a big Hillary fan. I've often been wary of her, and if someone were to ask me about certain aspects of her political career, it would be difficult for me to defend her. But for the most part, I agree with her policy positions, therefore I'm comfortable voting for her.
Honestly folks, when you tote up the pro and cons of both candidates is there really any comparison? I don't know what gold-plated shit Donald Trump is covered in, but the sheer number of negatives associated with him would have disqualified any other candidate one hundred times over.
But maybe I'm just misreading the entire situation. Maybe Donny invited Genny only because the two of them have taken up with one another. They've both proven themselves willing to commit adultery in the past.
Monday, September 19, 2016
Number 22
Colin & the Anthem
The Pledge and the National Anthem are overt acts of patriotism towards our country, the USA.
Most US citizens chose to honor their country thusly. However, one of the very important
reasons that our country is worthy of honor is that we all have the freedom to protest when
we feel the need. Are citizens who opt out of saying the Pledge or standing for the anthem
inherently less patriotic for exercising one of our most essential freedoms? Are they less
patriotic for speaking out against a perceived injustice? Though, I might not agree with
those who choose to "take a knee", I salute them their RIGHT to do so. A country
should earn patriotism - not legislate it.
Most US citizens chose to honor their country thusly. However, one of the very important
reasons that our country is worthy of honor is that we all have the freedom to protest when
we feel the need. Are citizens who opt out of saying the Pledge or standing for the anthem
inherently less patriotic for exercising one of our most essential freedoms? Are they less
patriotic for speaking out against a perceived injustice? Though, I might not agree with
those who choose to "take a knee", I salute them their RIGHT to do so. A country
should earn patriotism - not legislate it.
Monday, September 12, 2016
Number 21
The Wrong Parent
As the three of us move forward, I can't help but wonder if Emma and Grace would have been better off had I been the one that died. I'm convinced that Rebecca's strengths were more abundant than mine, while my weakness's are certainly more plentiful than hers. The uncertainty of my parenting as life goes on is galling.
As the three of us move forward, I can't help but wonder if Emma and Grace would have been better off had I been the one that died. I'm convinced that Rebecca's strengths were more abundant than mine, while my weakness's are certainly more plentiful than hers. The uncertainty of my parenting as life goes on is galling.
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
number 20
Groceries
I went grocery shopping today for the first time in forever today. Grace and I will actually have dinner at home tonight. We'll still eat in front of the TV, but it's a start.
She came and asked me if she could have a nectarine. (yes, I even bought fresh fruit) I told her I was going to ignore the question, and to her credit she went ahead and ate the nectarine.
Since then I've been wondering why she felt she had to ask...
I went grocery shopping today for the first time in forever today. Grace and I will actually have dinner at home tonight. We'll still eat in front of the TV, but it's a start.
She came and asked me if she could have a nectarine. (yes, I even bought fresh fruit) I told her I was going to ignore the question, and to her credit she went ahead and ate the nectarine.
Since then I've been wondering why she felt she had to ask...
Sunday, August 21, 2016
number 19
Loneliness Sux
I've spent a great deal of the past 48 hours feeling intensely lonely and contemplating alcoholism. I wish this were a joke.
I've spent a great deal of the past 48 hours feeling intensely lonely and contemplating alcoholism. I wish this were a joke.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016
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