What Makes a Woman a Woman?
Martina Navratilova recently made the news by concluding that trans women should not be allowed to participate alongside 'cis' women in athletic competitions. I don't have the article in front of me, but the gist of it was that; while she has no hostility towards trans women, supports their individual journeys, and is willing to use their chosen pronouns/names, she believes they have an inherent physical advantage because they were 'assigned male at birth'. A few posts ago (#40), I talked about the connection between social conservatives and groups of radical feminists regarding their shared believe that trans women are not "real" women. (For the record, they don't consider trans men "real" men, either). Well! At this moment in time, I am fully caffeinated, and my dander is up, so I'm in the mood to (metaphorically) pick a fight. I've got my earbuds turned up to a dangerous level while Ozzy is going up the rails on a crazy train. So let's go.
Their first argument (and, well, their last), is the primacy of genetics and biology. While they probably accept the fact that certain people are born 'intersex' (having both feminine and masculine sex organs), they are firmly in favor of the gender binary. There are two sexes - male and female - and each person is assigned to one group or the other at birth based on their external genitalia. From the chromosomal standpoint, each person is either 'XY' (male) or 'XX' (female). (Again allowing for the genetic abnormalities that happen occasionally). I suppose their believes can be summed up by stating that an individual's DNA in the conclusive proof of sex. What you're born with, is what you are.
OK. Let's pick this apart, by considering some of the natural conclusions one must come to, if one is to believe that biology is the only way to determine gender.
1. Only a 'real' women menstruate and give birth. OK, I'm willing to concede this point. It doesn't matter how many procedures I have done during my transition, I will never have a period, and I will never become pregnant. However, aren't there 'women born women' who will never menstruate, or be able to become pregnant? Are these women considered lesser women because of their body's physical idiosyncracies? I certainly hope not.
I understand that menstruation and pregnancy are significant aspects of being female. I also understand that there are extensive and life long hardships associated with these events. If someone were to say to me: "You'll never understand how central these things are to being a woman" I can't argue that they're wrong. And after witnessing my sister, female friends, my wife, and my daughters be challenged by the many side effects related to these events, it probably seems like lip service to hear me say "I'm jealous for missing out", but it's true. When I reflect back on the times that Rebecca was pregnant, I now understand that part of what I felt was jealousy that I didn't get to have that experience (yes, I'm aware of the kicks, the indigestion, the hemorrhoids, the stretch marks, the constant peeing, etc.) But let me make one point. A single 'cis' woman can no more speak to the universal experiences of women, than a trans woman can. And again, the attitude that there is only one, 'true' female experience can also be directed at certain 'biological' women. I don't know any feminists, radical or otherwise, who would suggest that.
If you want to be mad at trans women for missing 40 years of PMS, tampon taxes, ruined sheets, and cramps on their way to becoming women, I can accept that. But remember: nobody's journey is the same as anyone else's, fairness is an elusive concept, and jealousy about some one else's experiences is rarely a productive venture.
2. The biology argument can basically be reduced to what you looked like on the day you were born. I have a few questions about that though. What about a child born with a cleft palate? Or a 'crack' baby? Or some other sickness or birth defect? I'm going to assume that most of us would agree that these children deserve every bit of medical treatment and expertise that is available, right? I'm also going to assume that we want these children to reach their optimum medical outcome. No one wants an infant with a cleft palate to be left untreated, and in our world we have the ability and know-how to treat these children. Sure there are problems with our health care system, but for the most part, these children receive the required medical interventions
Let's extrapolate this attitude towards the treatment of mental illness. Our culture's growing awareness of mental health struggles suggests that it believes that it is equally important to treat these issues (as well as physical health issues). Because science is real, I think it is a fair point that the vast majority of mental health professionals identify 'gender dysphoria' as a legitimate condition that deserves to be treated. If depression, anxiety and schizophrenia are real things and deserve to be treated, why balk at the treatment (or acceptance) of dysphoria? I can only speak for myself, of course, but my road to where I am today (a place where my gender identity, female, leaves me feeling calm and tranquil), has been strewn with challenges. I have worked very hard to get here, along with significant assistance from a variety of medical professionals. It has not been a whim. I don't understand the need of outsiders to suggest that it's all 'pretend' or 'inauthentic' or that I'm mentally ill.
3. Finally, I need to address Martina's assertion that trans women have 'biological' advantage over 'cis' women. First, it is interesting to remember that when Martina first came on the tennis scene, she was most often compared with Chris Evert, with whom she had many epic matches. Chris was the 'pretty' one, who dressed in the cute outfits. Martina, who was open about her identity as a lesbian, was considered 'mannish'. When she began to consistently get the better of Evert, people began to wonder if she had been using male hormones. It was all bullshit, of course, and she was ultimately acknowledged as one of history's greatest tennis players. I think she would be very careful around this issue, based on past perceptions.
Her comments also reminded me of Jimmy the Greek. Remember him? He used to be on the CBS football pregame show (in the 70's and early 80's) His schtick was offering odds on the games. He met his demise when he suggested that 'black' athletes were better than 'white' athletes because they had been bred that way during slavery. Or Al Campanis. He was an executive for the LA Dodgers when he suggested that 'blacks' didn't swim as well as 'whites' because they were less buoyant. You know what I'm talking about here: ignorant shit.
Look, I admit it, I don't know a lot about muscles and physiology, and what differences there might be between male bodies and female bodies. But at my last doctor's appointment, I was told that my estrogen and testosterone levels were at an 'average' level for an adult female. I'm less aggressive, and I get exhausted much faster than I used to (with a similar level of activity, including regular workouts at the gym). Could I, with proper training, get to a point where I had an advantage over 'cis' women because I was assigned male at birth? I don't know, but it sure feels like a slippery slope. If we start dividing up people using this criteria, what's to stop us from using ethnicity or sexuality or some other arbitrary difference to divide us.
Perhaps the fear is that 'cis' men who can't cut it in the male sport's leagues will become women in order to compete against the 'lesser' competition they would face in women's sports. Yuck! That felt as offensive to write as it probably felt to read (and it should). It's preposterous on many levels. The point is, no 'cis' male could ever get through the screenings and protocols that have been established for the treatment of gender dysphoria, just to play in the WNBA or to drive the ball from the women's tees. That's what Martina (and others), fail to understand. Gender dysphoria involves coming to terms with who you are at your most central core of being. Athletic success is just not a consideration in coming to terms with who we are as people.
Wednesday, February 27, 2019
Saturday, February 23, 2019
Number 41
Processing in Print
48 hours ago, at the end of a therapy appointment, I asked my therapist about some ink on her arm. She volunteered some information about the tat concluding with "My former partner has the same tattoo on her arm." We then went out to the main desk together, did our scheduling thing, and parted. I immediately overheard her make lunch plans with a colleague. I left.
Soon afterwards, I realized I felt vaguely uncomfortable with the way the session had ended. That night, I sent her a message and apologized if I had over stepped (by asking about her ink). I used the qualification that I was still learning the ins-and-outs of "woman-to-woman" conversation.
Why, why, why?
Something triggered me, but what? I'm not entirely sure myself, so that's why we're here today. I want to unpack some different thoughts and feelings and see where that leads me. ("nowhere", the voice in my head just said). (That negative voice, by the way, is a separate issue that I will be tackling in a separate post).
Thoughts & Feelings
1. Did I pry into her personal life inappropriately? No. I think I asked an acceptable question. How much she chose to disclose about the tattoo was entirely up to her.
2. She's had a female partner. Is it possible that this trans woman (me, in case you're keeping score at home), has some unresolved homophobia that I need to work on? Unlikely. I have been around, and friends with, 'out' LGB folks since I was a young person. That's not something that makes me uncomfortable anymore. For heaven's sake, as my transition continues, I'm technically a lesbian myself. (Which is another good topic for another post).
3. I'm technically a lesbian myself. I have always been especially attracted to competent, intelligent, and vibrant women (sexually and otherwise). As an elementary school teacher, I was surrounded by these types of women. In my life, I've had three female therapists, and two female MDs. My affection and admiration for all these ladies has had a profound influence on my life. Do I have a "crush" on my current therapist? Probably (but she wouldn't be the first).
4. If you read the first paragraph carefully, you might have wondered about the small detail regarding her making lunch plans. "Nora", you might be thinking, "Did you include that [seemingly], inconsequential detail on purpose?" Why, yes I did. Because I think this gets closer to the heart of the matter, more than anything else.
5. I have long maintained that I am an introverted loner, and that I don't mind keeping my own company. Lately, as I have come to terms with my new, trans identity, I have come to realize that that is a bunch of hooey. I actually crave being part of a group. When I finally got my first job as an elementary school teacher, one of the things that I enjoyed the most was being part of a team. I especially enjoyed my status of being the only 'boy' in the group (hmmm, interesting!) I liked being on the "inside" for a change, rather than being on the outside looking in (which is how I felt through all my years as a substitute teacher here in Minnesota). Even during my long-term sub assignments, and despite the fact that the other teachers being nothing but welcoming (mostly - looking at you Hoover and Kennedy!), I always felt as if I wasn't part of the group. That made me feel alone.
6. I find myself craving the company of women. Absolutely CRAVING! Maybe I want to learn from them. Maybe I want their company. Maybe I want to immerse myself in that which I feel I missed out during the first 50 years of my life. Probably all three.
Takeaways
1. My therapist shared a small, but significant, personal detail with me. Then, in short order, she bade me goodbye for a month, and then made lunch plans with someone else. I think the sequence of events triggered in me the intense loneliness that often plagues me, and I think my text to my therapist later that night was a bit of a cry for help. I have a feeling we'll be discussing this the next time we get together.
2. Rebecca's death coincided with the expiration of my teacher's license. I wasn't in the mood to teach, so that was fine. But it did eliminate one of my few outlets for human interaction. I did volunteer work in the schools for two years, but since I began transitioning, I've stepped away from even that. Gotta protect the kiddos from perverts like me, you know. End result: more loneliness.
3. I think I need to find a place where I feel like a part of team again.
4. I think I need to find more female companionship. The fact that I'm naturally adverse to new situations doesn't help that situation in the least, however (sigh).
48 hours ago, at the end of a therapy appointment, I asked my therapist about some ink on her arm. She volunteered some information about the tat concluding with "My former partner has the same tattoo on her arm." We then went out to the main desk together, did our scheduling thing, and parted. I immediately overheard her make lunch plans with a colleague. I left.
Soon afterwards, I realized I felt vaguely uncomfortable with the way the session had ended. That night, I sent her a message and apologized if I had over stepped (by asking about her ink). I used the qualification that I was still learning the ins-and-outs of "woman-to-woman" conversation.
Why, why, why?
Something triggered me, but what? I'm not entirely sure myself, so that's why we're here today. I want to unpack some different thoughts and feelings and see where that leads me. ("nowhere", the voice in my head just said). (That negative voice, by the way, is a separate issue that I will be tackling in a separate post).
Thoughts & Feelings
1. Did I pry into her personal life inappropriately? No. I think I asked an acceptable question. How much she chose to disclose about the tattoo was entirely up to her.
2. She's had a female partner. Is it possible that this trans woman (me, in case you're keeping score at home), has some unresolved homophobia that I need to work on? Unlikely. I have been around, and friends with, 'out' LGB folks since I was a young person. That's not something that makes me uncomfortable anymore. For heaven's sake, as my transition continues, I'm technically a lesbian myself. (Which is another good topic for another post).
3. I'm technically a lesbian myself. I have always been especially attracted to competent, intelligent, and vibrant women (sexually and otherwise). As an elementary school teacher, I was surrounded by these types of women. In my life, I've had three female therapists, and two female MDs. My affection and admiration for all these ladies has had a profound influence on my life. Do I have a "crush" on my current therapist? Probably (but she wouldn't be the first).
4. If you read the first paragraph carefully, you might have wondered about the small detail regarding her making lunch plans. "Nora", you might be thinking, "Did you include that [seemingly], inconsequential detail on purpose?" Why, yes I did. Because I think this gets closer to the heart of the matter, more than anything else.
5. I have long maintained that I am an introverted loner, and that I don't mind keeping my own company. Lately, as I have come to terms with my new, trans identity, I have come to realize that that is a bunch of hooey. I actually crave being part of a group. When I finally got my first job as an elementary school teacher, one of the things that I enjoyed the most was being part of a team. I especially enjoyed my status of being the only 'boy' in the group (hmmm, interesting!) I liked being on the "inside" for a change, rather than being on the outside looking in (which is how I felt through all my years as a substitute teacher here in Minnesota). Even during my long-term sub assignments, and despite the fact that the other teachers being nothing but welcoming (mostly - looking at you Hoover and Kennedy!), I always felt as if I wasn't part of the group. That made me feel alone.
6. I find myself craving the company of women. Absolutely CRAVING! Maybe I want to learn from them. Maybe I want their company. Maybe I want to immerse myself in that which I feel I missed out during the first 50 years of my life. Probably all three.
Takeaways
1. My therapist shared a small, but significant, personal detail with me. Then, in short order, she bade me goodbye for a month, and then made lunch plans with someone else. I think the sequence of events triggered in me the intense loneliness that often plagues me, and I think my text to my therapist later that night was a bit of a cry for help. I have a feeling we'll be discussing this the next time we get together.
2. Rebecca's death coincided with the expiration of my teacher's license. I wasn't in the mood to teach, so that was fine. But it did eliminate one of my few outlets for human interaction. I did volunteer work in the schools for two years, but since I began transitioning, I've stepped away from even that. Gotta protect the kiddos from perverts like me, you know. End result: more loneliness.
3. I think I need to find a place where I feel like a part of team again.
4. I think I need to find more female companionship. The fact that I'm naturally adverse to new situations doesn't help that situation in the least, however (sigh).
Monday, February 11, 2019
Number 40
Ben Shapiro, the TERFs, and Me
Ben Shapiro is a conservative media provocateur. He's one of those people that loves baiting a person with a differing point of view to the point where the other person loses their cool. Then with a wink and a nudge, he's all like: "I thought we were having a reasonable debate, and here you go flying off the handle like that?" One of his favorite things to do is to bash transgendered folks. For example, if there is a MtF person around (male to female), he'll refer to this person using masculine pronouns, or their birth name. From my own personal experience, it hurts a great deal when I'm mis-gendered unintentionally, let alone on purpose. To make it worse, he always has a wry grin on his face while he does this - knowing the hurt he is causing another person, but not giving a shit. I suppose when the trans person has finally reached their breaking point, it allows him the talking point that all trans people are mentally unstable.
And that's his essential point. Gender dysphoria is not real, trans people are mentally ill, and no amount of gender confirmation procedures can change the fact that whatever sex you are at birth is the sex you will always be. Trans women are pretend women, and trans men are pretend men. Of course these opinions are not his alone - he just happens to be one of the most prominent conservative voices when it comes to hating on us transgender folks.
The frustrating thing in listening to him is this: It is obvious that Ben is a very intelligent person. (Although it's equally obvious that he is very proud of his keen intellect - he's got a smirk on his face that, I have to admit, I would love to smack off). He's an attorney by trade, and he's learned how to craft a coherent argument. And though I obviously disagree with him, he's well-spoken and is able to present his case persuasively (when he's not too busy baiting and harassing other people).
On the other side of the political spectrum are the TERFs (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists). Some of these women consider the term a slur while others maintain that it is a badge of honor. I am choosing to use the term in this post for clarity's sake because, even though I know not whether it is an insult or an honorific, it does concisely describe these women. It is beyond the scope of my modest talents to fully explain their position, so I encourage anyone who is interested to do their own research. Though they are only a tiny subset of the feminist movement, they are vocal and active. Essentially they do not accept that trans women are not 'real' women. Additionally, they believe that trans women are an enemy of their feminist goals. I can speak only for myself, of course, but I don't feel like the enemy. I openly acknowledge that I need and want the help of women everywhere to educate me as I continue down the transition highway. It would be arrogant and presumptive for me to make any other assumption as I grow into my new reality.
Now again, the frustrating thing about them is the fact that they are intelligent people, too. Everything I noted about Ben Shapiro's intellect, can be said about them. It's just that they're as liberal as he is conservative. But politics makes strange bed fellows, and these two groups often work together against transgender people. Both groups have a problem with me, for some reason. Though I feel that their opinions are hopelessly misguided and hateful, I wish neither group any harm. My only desire is to be accepted by people, without being perceived as a threat or a basket case. I don't understand why my own truth, and the truths of all the other transgender people, scare them so much. I don't understand why people can choose to purposely throw up road blocks in front of other people just trying live their best lives.
It has often been said that there is a difference between intelligence and wisdom. As I have aged, I have certainly come to believe this. There are certain 'wisdoms' that can only be learned by living your life (as opposed to, say, having a law degree). This is why parents of grown children chuckle inwardly when they listen to parents-to-be confidently describe how they plan on raising their children. Another type of wisdom is understanding that "winning an argument" is often not the most important thing there is. Sometimes compromise is much more valuable. There is also wisdom in discovering the power of empathy. Or discovering the common humanity which links us all. Or the wisdom that comes from a joyful heart when you work to make the lives of other people just a little bit better.
You see, Ben and the TERFs are pretty smart. In all likelihood they are smarter than me. But I do wonder how wise they are.
Ben Shapiro is a conservative media provocateur. He's one of those people that loves baiting a person with a differing point of view to the point where the other person loses their cool. Then with a wink and a nudge, he's all like: "I thought we were having a reasonable debate, and here you go flying off the handle like that?" One of his favorite things to do is to bash transgendered folks. For example, if there is a MtF person around (male to female), he'll refer to this person using masculine pronouns, or their birth name. From my own personal experience, it hurts a great deal when I'm mis-gendered unintentionally, let alone on purpose. To make it worse, he always has a wry grin on his face while he does this - knowing the hurt he is causing another person, but not giving a shit. I suppose when the trans person has finally reached their breaking point, it allows him the talking point that all trans people are mentally unstable.
And that's his essential point. Gender dysphoria is not real, trans people are mentally ill, and no amount of gender confirmation procedures can change the fact that whatever sex you are at birth is the sex you will always be. Trans women are pretend women, and trans men are pretend men. Of course these opinions are not his alone - he just happens to be one of the most prominent conservative voices when it comes to hating on us transgender folks.
The frustrating thing in listening to him is this: It is obvious that Ben is a very intelligent person. (Although it's equally obvious that he is very proud of his keen intellect - he's got a smirk on his face that, I have to admit, I would love to smack off). He's an attorney by trade, and he's learned how to craft a coherent argument. And though I obviously disagree with him, he's well-spoken and is able to present his case persuasively (when he's not too busy baiting and harassing other people).
On the other side of the political spectrum are the TERFs (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists). Some of these women consider the term a slur while others maintain that it is a badge of honor. I am choosing to use the term in this post for clarity's sake because, even though I know not whether it is an insult or an honorific, it does concisely describe these women. It is beyond the scope of my modest talents to fully explain their position, so I encourage anyone who is interested to do their own research. Though they are only a tiny subset of the feminist movement, they are vocal and active. Essentially they do not accept that trans women are not 'real' women. Additionally, they believe that trans women are an enemy of their feminist goals. I can speak only for myself, of course, but I don't feel like the enemy. I openly acknowledge that I need and want the help of women everywhere to educate me as I continue down the transition highway. It would be arrogant and presumptive for me to make any other assumption as I grow into my new reality.
Now again, the frustrating thing about them is the fact that they are intelligent people, too. Everything I noted about Ben Shapiro's intellect, can be said about them. It's just that they're as liberal as he is conservative. But politics makes strange bed fellows, and these two groups often work together against transgender people. Both groups have a problem with me, for some reason. Though I feel that their opinions are hopelessly misguided and hateful, I wish neither group any harm. My only desire is to be accepted by people, without being perceived as a threat or a basket case. I don't understand why my own truth, and the truths of all the other transgender people, scare them so much. I don't understand why people can choose to purposely throw up road blocks in front of other people just trying live their best lives.
It has often been said that there is a difference between intelligence and wisdom. As I have aged, I have certainly come to believe this. There are certain 'wisdoms' that can only be learned by living your life (as opposed to, say, having a law degree). This is why parents of grown children chuckle inwardly when they listen to parents-to-be confidently describe how they plan on raising their children. Another type of wisdom is understanding that "winning an argument" is often not the most important thing there is. Sometimes compromise is much more valuable. There is also wisdom in discovering the power of empathy. Or discovering the common humanity which links us all. Or the wisdom that comes from a joyful heart when you work to make the lives of other people just a little bit better.
You see, Ben and the TERFs are pretty smart. In all likelihood they are smarter than me. But I do wonder how wise they are.
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