Depression, Again
I know I've flogged this particular horse many times - I'll keep this short.
Is it just me, or does anyone else feel completely worthless when you're in the middle of a depressive episode? I mean I know I have a partner who loves me, as well as many, many friends who would be willing and able to sit with me when these episodes occur; but the voice in my head tells me to keep my mouth shut, 'cause I'm not worth anyone else's time.
Rock ’n’ Roll (Part III): The Playlist You Didn’t Know You Needed
So today we’re gonna have some more fun with rock ’n’ roll. Two posts ago, I admitted to how obsessive I could be when it came to searching out new music. As a result, I’ve discovered a lot of music that, for whatever reason, you’ve (probably) never heard before. I absolutely love it when I discover a killer song by some band that's new to me. One caveat for any younger listeners out there - I might list a song by a band that’s actually very popular with your generation that I’ve never heard of before - be nice. I don’t mean for this to be a competition between us, so it’s totally cool if I list a song you do know - I’m just trying to shine a light on some music that’s been living in the shadows too long. On to the list. And remember - I'm good at this.
"Gunfight" by the Sick Puppies. A straight ahead rock song with a 'take no prisoners' attitude.
"When the Fog Rolls In" by Train. A piano based ballad that builds to a great climax.
"Pass the Gun Around" by Alice Cooper. For a long time I thought I knew everything I needed to know about Alice Cooper, but a few years ago I went on a deep dive to see what I might have missed. This is a self-confessional ballad written when he was battling alcohol addiction. The "gun" in question being a bottle of liquor.
"Till the End of Time" by Jeff Scott Soto. Imagine your favorite power ballad by Journey or Foreigner, only better.
"Not What You See" by Savatage. The Trans Siberian Orchestra hit it big time with their trio of Christmas albums. If you like TSO you must search out this group. The brain trust of TSO came from Savatage. I picked one of the many outstanding tracks from this group. There are many others I could have chosen.
"She Is My Everything" by John Prine. Chances are you've heard of him, but maybe not heard much by him. That was me, up until a few years ago. He's not quite rock 'n' roll, but he's also not not rock 'n' roll, if you understand my meaning. He is a brilliantly inventive song writer full of wit, empathy, humor, and heartache. Again, I chose one song out of a flat ton I could have chosen. Do yourself a favor and search him out.
"There Won't Be Many Coming Home" by Roy Orbison. I knew a lot of Roy Orbison's music, but I had never heard this gem until it played over the end credits of a Quentin Tarqantino movie. In the mid 60's, he acted and performed the music for the dubious western "The Fastest Guitar Alive." The less said about the movie the better, except for this song. A ballad recounting the horrors of the American Civil War.
"As Long As I Fall" by Helloween. This group comes out of the power metal genre - Think Bon Jovi with slightly heavier instrumentation. A straight ahead, tuneful rocker with a huge hook that can't be denied.
"Promise" by Eve 6. There's a good chance this is one of those generational moments I mentioned above. In any event this is a power punk song from a group that got signed when every label was looking for their own Green Day.
"My Love's Strong" by Graham Parker. Graham Parker had a brief burst of fame during the punk rock/new wave era of the late '70s and early '80s but he was never a comfortable match there. This is a great love song, with a killer chord modulation towards the end. A great song for you and your sweetie.
"I Don't Want to Go Home" By Southside Johnny & the Asbury Jukes. Southside has spent his long career existing in Bruce Springsteen's shadow. That's okay, because that's a pretty good shadow to be in. In any event, this is the first song off his first album and it's a great call back to the very best of 60's soul music.
"The Healing Has Begun" by Van Morrison. The most sensual, sexy, romantic love song ever.
"Lift Your Spirit" by Aloe Blacc. I honestly have forgotten how this song came into my orbit. A flat out groove fest. It is impossible not to move when listening to this pop gem.
"Shop It Around" by Jason & the Scorchers. Country? Punk? Pop? I don't know, but it works really well.
"Rock 'n' Roll Queen"
"Walkin' With a Mountain"
& "All the Way to Memphis" by Mott the Hoople. These guys became almost really famous in the early 70s, and then it all fell apart, and then they got forgotten about. When these guys rocked out they made a glorious noise. I tried to pick just one, but I couldn't do it. Quite simply, this is textbook rock 'n' roll.
"I Dug My Grave & Walked Away" by Mass Undergoe. This song plays over the closing credits of "Dale & Tucker Vs. Evil" (The very best movie in the horror/comedy genre, seriously). An aggressive, hooky, straight ahead rocker.
"Save Your Love" by Jefferson Starship. This song came out long after the sun had set on their Haight-Ashbury psychedelic heyday, but before the bloated and lifeless corporate rock of "We Built This City" (truly an awful song). During this time, their lead guitarist was Craig Chaquico - an extremely underrated guitar player. He takes what could be a fairly generic rock song and solos all over the place for the last three minutes. Great stuff.
"Lover of the Bayou" by Mudcrutch. This nucleus of this band became Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. After 30 years or so, Tom got his first band back together. If this song reminds you of any number of great Hearbreakers song, don't be surprised.
"Mein Herz Brennt" by Rammstein. The very best of european industrial metal. This song is heavy, but also incredibly melodic. A great song for when you're having some feels.
"No Need to Argue" by the Cranberries. This song might actually be more well known (as compared to some of the others), but it is such a beautiful and haunting song I decided to include it. This song doesn't raise its voice very loudly, but is extremely powerful nonetheless.
"Bandala" by the Partridge Family. Ignore the visuals for a moment and think about it. The songs written for the show were written and performed by some of the top LA writers and session musicians of the time. This is the best of many perfectly crafted early 70's pop songs, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Turn it up, and play it proudly.
"Porch Swing in Tupelo" by Elton John. Elton John is a little known performer from England... hold on... wait a minute... oh... I didn't realize... ok... thanks... So it turns out that Elton John is one of the most famous musicians in the world - who knew, right? Actually this song is off of one of his more recent albums, so chances are you haven't heard it before. It'll take you right back to the best of his songs from the '70s. Promise.
"You Still Belong to Me" by the Beach Boys. You know the hits, but maybe you don't know this gem of a song from their "Pet Sounds" album. The vocal harmonies on this song are exquisite. A great love song.
"When the Night Falls" by T-Bone Burnett. A quiet, haunting song of sadness.
"She's Just Killing Me" by ZZ Top. One of their more recent songs, from an album released after people stopped paying attention. Finds a killer groove right away and works it for all it's worth. The Little Ol' Band from Texas sounds in top form here.
"When the Music Starts" by the Greg Kihn Band. Another 'woulda, coulda, shoulda, ' band that almost made it big. You know a few a their songs, but there's a lot more meat on their particular bone. A great power pop band.
"Runaway Train" by Avantasia. They are a German power metal group, and a lot of their stuff reminds me of TSO. This epic song is a good example of their best stuff.
"I Want You Back" by the Jackson 5. This is, in actual fact, a very well known song. It's also my favorite song of all time, so I decided to include it. Sue me.
"Wanderlust" by Brian Wilson. This is a cover of an obscure Paul McCartney song. To recap: one of our greatest melodists covering a song by one of our greatest meolodists. An absolutely beautiful song with exquisite harmonies.
"The Land of the Miricles" by Edguy. Simply the best power ballad I know. Get your lighter ready and prepare to sing along with the chorus.
"Blood" by the Dropkick Murphys. The best of Irish Folk Punk. That's a high compliment.
"Evermore" by Neil Diamond. Like the ZZ Top song from above, this song is from an album that was released after people stopped paying attention. A ballad that continues to build and build. One of his all time great songs.
That's more than enough for now. But there's still so much good music out there. Happy Listening!
Rock 'N' Roll (Part II)
Once upon a time on this blog - it might have been last year or it might have been yesterday - I commented that I take this shit (r 'n' r) way too seriously. You might read that as some sort of apology, but, really, it's simply a fact. Awhile ago (AtRP #52), I wrote a lengthy post about 20 musical acts that should be in the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame, but aren't, because the people that run the place are elitist, stuffed-shirt morons who think they know more than you and me. F*ck 'em.
What I thought I'd do today, is to go through that list one more time and offer up some songs from each act that give you a sense of their sound (if you don't already know it). Obviously, my choices reflect those songs that I consider their very best. Give the ones that are new to you a try - I'm good at this.
Iron Maiden: "Hallowed Be Thy Name," "The Trooper," "Fear of the Dark," & "Paschendale." (I could easily pick four different songs with no drop in quality)
Judas Priest: "Snakebite," "Better by You, Better Than Me" (This is the song that got the band sued for putting backwards 'satanic' messages on it), "Living After Midnight," & "Hell Bent For Leather."
Anthrax: "Madhouse," "I Am the Law," & "Ball of Confusion" (This is a cover of the Temptations song. A thrash bad covering a soul song shouldn't work, but it does. Well.)
Megadeth: "A Tout le Monde," "Hanger 18," "Super Collider," & "Holy Wars... the Punishment Due."
Slayer: "Seasons in the Abyss," "South of Heaven," & "Hell Awaits." (Cheery titles, I know, but it IS thrash.)
Thin Lizzy: "Cowboy Song," "Do Anything You Want To," "Fighting My Way Back," & "Roisin Dubh (Black Rose: A Rock Legend)." (I didn't include "The Boys Are Back In Town, because you already know it.)
Motley Crue: "Kickstart My Heart," "Looks That Kill," "Saints of Los Angeles," & "Don't Go Away Mad"
Doobie Brothers: "China Grove," Listen To the Music," Taking It To the Street," & "Long Train Runnin'" (Note: They got admitted this year. Still waiting for a 'thank you' note.)
J. Geils Band: "Love Stinks," "Musta Got Lost," "I Do," & "Give It To Me" (Plus a lot of others you know.)
Meat Loaf: "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" (This is a predictable choice, but it's become rather iconic in its own right, so I have to list it), "I'd Lie For You (And That's the Truth)," "Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself," & "Home By Now/No Matter What."
Jethro Tull: "Bungle In the Jungle," "Locomotive Breath," "Heavy Horses," & "Too Old To Rock 'n' Roll (Too Young To Die)" (Plus a lot of others you know.)
REO Speedwagon: "Time For Me To Fly," "Take It On the Run," "Roll With the Changes," "Keep On Lovin' You," & "Back On the Road Again." (I dare you not to sing along.)
Styx: "Come Fly Away," "Renegade," "The Best of Times," & "Fooling Yourself (Angry Young Man)." (Plus a lot of others you know.)
Foreigner: "Cold As Ice," "Blue Morning, Blue Day," "Hot Blooded," & "I Want To Know What Love Is." (Get your lighter ready for that last one.)
Slade: "Cum On, Feel the Noize," "My Friend Stan," "Mama We're All Crazee Now," "Harmony," & "Run Runaway." (Yes, Quiet Riot covered them twice.)
Michael Stanley Band: "Strike Up the Band," "He Can't Love You," "Misery Loves Company," "Somewhere in the Night," & "Love Doesn't Live Here." (Great stuff, these guys should have been huge.)
Warren Zevon: "Lawyers, Guns, & Money," "Werewolves of London," "Desperados Under the Eaves," "Frank & Jesse James," "Never Too Late For Love," "The Heartache," & "My Shit's Fucked Up," etc. etc. (His exclusion is mind boggling. If you don't know much about his music, dive in, you will not be disappointed.)
Ian Hunter: "Once Bitten, Twice Shy," "23a Swan Hill," "Cleveland Rocks," "Red Letter Day," "Shrunken Heads," "Irene Wilde," "All-American Alien Boy," & "Michael Picasso." (The last song was in honor of Mick Ronson upon his death. One of the most honest tribute songs ever written.)
Badfinger: "Apple of My Eye," "Take It All," "No Matter What," "Day After Day," & "Without You."
the Raspberries: "Go All the Way," "Overnight Sensation (Hit Record)," "Tonight," "Let's Pretend," "Ecstasy," & "I Can Remember,"
Coming in Rock 'N' Roll (part III): The greatest songs you've never heard.
Nora Rocks, Nora Rolls
1. The first music I remember listening to was AM radio, top 40 pop. The specific station was WLS - a midwest powerhouse out of Chicago. It didn't quite reach the part of Ohio we later moved to, but I found a local top 40 station, and continued to listen to Casey Kasem's "America's Top 40" each weekend. In the late 70's, I began to purchase music. It was a time when sappy love songs and disco ruled the charts. I started by buying 45's. (If you don't know what that means, ask someone old). I still remember the first four I bought: "Grease" by Frankie Valli; "Two Outa Three Ain't Bad" by Meat Loaf; "Three Times a Lady" by the Commodores; and "Take a Chance on Me" by Abba.
I soon graduated to albums. It's amazing to me that in a blog where I regularly write and post very personal and potentially embarrassing information about myself, I'm somewhat uncomfortable about admitting what my first album purchases were, but what the hell. My first album was "Barry Manilow Live!" (Be careful of live recordings that include an exclamation point in their titles - they're usually trying to over-compensate for something). That purchase was quickly followed up by Barry's "Even Now" album. No where to go up from there, right? Wrong. The next two albums were "Still Crusin'" and "Go West," by the Village People. Sigh.
Then something interesting happened. I discovered the FM dial, ditched the top 40, and started listening to rock 'n' roll.
2. I have always loved music. Many of you probably know that. But I've also spent big portions of my life being alone, periodically obsessive, and intellectually curious (especially when interested in a particular topic). Because I was alone so much, and almost pathologically shy, music became an almost constant companion in my life as I grew up. I began to devour and learn about about rock 'n roll bands and singers. I began to read about its history. I learned about different trends and eras. And when I discovered a new band or singer, the OC part of my brain required that I buy all the music I could find by that act. By the way, this is still pretty much all true.
3. Seriously, I love music. There's not a genre of music that I dislike, although it's certainly fair to say that I don't like all genres of music equally. It's also fair to say that my tastes have ebbed and flowed through the years. As I've gotten older, I've learned to appreciate classical, country, jazz and other styles of music. I can enjoy a Beethoven symphony, a honky tonk bar on a Saturday night, and songs from the Great American Songbook sung in a smoky dive peopled by folks wearing a lot of black. But the music that remains near and dear to me is rock 'n' roll.
When I was young, I assumed I would grow out of this phase. As I aged, so I thought, I would begin to listen to more 'reputable' music. Not only hasn't that happened, the opposite is, in fact, true. I'm a bigger metal head now, than I was as a kid. I openly embrace the bubblegum pop of my early years. Seriously, I can discuss the culture of Black Metal and the Partridge Family with equal aplomb. The early stuff, Stax/Volt and Motown, The Beatles and Stones, Psychedelia, Glam, Southern, Funk, Hair Metal, Power Pop, and on and on. It all still puts a smile on my face and a beat in my shoe. I'm still delighted when I discover pockets of rock 'n' roll that I missed as a youngster (often, unfortunately, because racism segregated the music radio stations played). And Itunes, where the ability to purchase music is only one click away doesn't help when that OC part of my brain kicks into action.
4. So at 54, I'm still waiting to outgrow my love of rock 'n' roll. In truth, I long ago realized it was never going to happen. Is it the primal beat of the drums that has me hooked? The rhythmic thumping of the the bass guitar? The screaming solos of the lead guitar, or the driving beat of the rhythm guitar? A melodic hook coming from the keyboards? Don't know, don't care. To paraphrase "Wild Thing" by the Troggs; rock 'n' roll, "it moves me." Amen and amen.
A Surgery Non-Update
Recently I spent some time going back and re-reading some of my old posts. In a few places I fixed a few of the more egregious grammar mistakes, but mostly I offered up congratulatory thoughts to myself as I enjoyed some of my past witticisms. The literary equivalent of smelling your own farts, if you will. In any event I realized I had mentioned my 'upcoming' surgery in more than a few posts. At least once I mentioned a specific date. Boy! Was I excited. According to those posts, I had my surgery 2+ months ago. I bet you're all waiting on pins and needles to know how it all turned out.
Well, and no shock really, I didn't actually have surgery on the scheduled date. A little thing called Covid (or, as I like to call it, 'the trump flu'), came along and interrupted my plans. Or, more to the point, my surgeon's plans.
Because I had mentioned my vaginoplasty surgery so many times, I thought I owed y'all an update. Or, as I prefer to call it, a 'non update.'
To date it has not been rescheduled. Whereas my initial surgery date was made four months in advance, currently none of these surgeries are being scheduled more than six weeks in advance. I have been given a 'possible window' of dates that it could happen, as long as virus numbers in Minnesota remain relatively consistent (or go down, for that matter). I have heard nothing more official than that. I'm playing this hand with the cards much closer to my chest this time around, but I promise to let you all know beforehand. It may not be until they wheel me into the operating room, but it'll be beforehand.
Thanks for all your continued kind words and good thoughts - they mean a great deal to me.
Dad
Dad was the youngest of four brothers, and the only one born in a hospital. His birthday was December 14, 1936. He grew up on a farm in central Illinois. He attended a one room school through the sixth grade. It was one or two miles down the road from the farm (and I'm sure it was uphill both ways). He reported to me that when he started grade seven at the consolidated junior high, his education was much further along than the kids from town. That tracks my own experience with him, as he always seemed so smart and competent as I was growing up.
Two of my favorite stories that he told about his years in high school involve the time a classmate in his FFA class decided to hide inside a hog feeder when their teacher was called out of the room. Dad and his other friends quickly locked the top of the feeder - effectively trapping their classmate inside. The teacher returned to the room about the same time the trapped student realized the extent of his situation. That's when he began knocking and calling for help. To his dismay, and the delight of everyone else, he was the only one who got in trouble.
The other story involves his love of singing. It was the mid 50's, and vocal quartets were all the rage. He, and three friends formed The Zionnaires, and were good enough to get hired to sing at a variety of different events in the Decatur, Illinois area. The two that always tickled me the most - the grand openings of a Chevrolet dealership and a local grocery store.
His three older brothers had all joined the military (two during WWII), and become flyers. After the two necessary years at Millikin College, he followed suit and, in 1956, joined the US Navy as an aviator. Perhaps my favorite picture of him is a profile shot, a huge look of enjoyment on his face, as he pantomimes with his arms some sort of flying maneuver. The age of the photo suggests that it was a visit home not long after he qualified as a pilot, and "earned his wings."
In 1964 he was hired as an airline pilot for United Airlines. He and another friend from the navy, who had also submitted an application, grew tired of waiting to hear, and flew an 'unsanctioned' mission from their base in Texas to Denver, where United's operations were headquartered. When they asked about the status of their applications at the front desk, the clerk looked through a number of files before telling the two of them he didn't see their names. Before things could turn ugly, the clerk said "wait one minute," and reached into another drawer which held only a few files. "Oh, here you are. You're both in the 'good' pile." He stayed with United until he reached the FAA mandated retirement age of 60 in 1996.
He and my mom were married in 1960. I was the youngest of three children and came along in 1966. I wasn't exactly 'planned,' but nor was I 'unplanned.' Two important details of my great-grandmother's funeral were that my parents had only one night alone in my grandparent's guest room before being kicked to the living room couches, and my mom hadn't packed any birth control. When my mom, a month or so later, told my dad she thought she might be pregnant, he replied, "That's okay, you're married."
My parents were divorced in 1978. Never a good situation, my parents did their very best to keep the unavoidable antagonism they felt between themselves. There was one time, however, that Dad lost his cool, and told my sister and me, in a fit of temper, that "You're mother is being a bitch!" I don't know which came first - his regret or our tears, but he instantly apologized and started crying, too. Ultimately my mother was given full custody of my brother and me (my older sister left for college that fall). My dad told me later that he thought "children should be with their mother."
Because of the particularities of a pilot's schedule - being gone for days at a time - it wasn't that hard to get used to him not being in the house with us. We continued to see him frequently, as he stayed in the same town. But then he got remarried and moved to Indiana; we moved as well, from Ohio to Connecticut. I saw him less and less.
Then my parent's did a really insidious thing. They began to act as if they realized they'd made a mistake in getting divorced, and that, perhaps, they should get remarried. During his visits, we were able to pretended that our family was intact. I thought it was great, and felt it was only a matter of time. This went on for a number of years, but in the long run, it didn't last. At my college graduation, a new family dynamic was present. Dad brought his new wife, to whom he remained married for the rest of his life.
After I graduated from college, Dad and I saw less and less of each other, and we would talk to one another by phone infrequently, at best. A trend that, unfortunately, we never changed. It's not that we were estranged - we weren't! - it's just that neither one of us was very good at communication. In later years, we would visit in person every few years, and, in between, would be the infrequent phone calls - maybe one time every three or four months. (This feels like the moment when Harry Chapin's song, "Cat's in the Cradle" should start playing)(ha-ha)
Now, here's the rub. My dad had many faults, and made many mistakes in his life. While everything I detailed above is true, it's also heavily sanitized. There are many details I left out. I suppose if you read it very closely, you'll notice a few places where a few educated assumptions can be made. For a long time I harbored great anger toward him and, fair or not, blamed him for the dissolution of our family; not once, but twice! He could be emotionally distant, and seemed genuinely frightened by moments of interpersonal intimacy. There were a few times when, as an adult, I tried to talk about, you know, 'family shit,' and he wasn't able to engage me in conversation. When I reached a point where I could forgive him, he wouldn't let me speak my forgiveness out loud. I eventually stopped trying. But for all his flaws and imperfections, I loved him deeply, as I know he did me. Do I wish things had been different? Of course. But I always had food on the table, a roof over my head, and clothes in my closet. I had lots of toys and games as a child, and expensive stereo equipment as a teenager. He overpaid alimony payments for many years without comment. I went to an expensive private college, and he never once complained about the tuition. So what if it was used, he gave me my first car as a graduation present. The truth? Dad did his best, and most of the time, that was pretty good.
In November, 2016, he stepped out of the shower one morning, had a massive heart attack and died. I felt strangely indifferent at the time. I wrote something that seemed appropriately heartfelt, and spoke at his internment, but I didn't feel much in the way of grief or sadness. My wife had passed unexpectedly only nine months previously, and I think my "emotional gas tank" was still on empty. But as time has passed, I find myself missing him more and more. I think of things I'd like to tell him, and then have to remind myself he's gone. It also bothers me that we ran out of time to improve our relationship - again, it wasn't bad, but it could have been so much better!
Then there's the whole transgender thing. He never got the chance to meet me as Nora - my true self. At the time of his passing, I was only just beginning to explore my gender dysphoria. I can't help but nervously wonder what he would have thought. Would he have accepted me or not? It's painful not to know, but I like to think that even though he wouldn't have fully understood it, he would have accepted and loved me just the same. Oh! How I wished he could have met me as Nora!
So, for what it's worth: "Hey Dad! It's me, Nora. I love you! I miss you! See you on the other side someday."
What's It Like To Live Happy?
I have spent a lot of time and effort documenting my challenges with depression and anxiety. Perhaps too much time. If you're tired of hearing about it, gentle reader, imagine what it feels like to live it. In any event, you might have noticed, the last few months of my life were not easy for me: Covid, Trump, the murder of George Floyd (and its aftermath), Trump, JK Rowling being transphobic, a delay in gender confirmation surgery that remained unscheduled, and Trump were all conspiring against me. I had myself painted into a corner, and I didn't know which way to turn.
(I am well aware that listing trump three times probably suggests that I give him way too much space in my head. Truly, I try to ignore him as much as possible, but for God's sake, he's the fucking president and he is just so vile.)
I didn't want to unload on my partner because she's going through some heavy work stuff herself, and other than her, I didn't know where to turn. I wasn't having active thoughts of suicide or self-harm, but I was definitely wondering if there was any purpose to living a live devoid of joy. I was stuck.
Was my malaise a mental health issue, a physical one, a neurochemical one, or some combination of all three? I wasn't sure. For that reason, I decided to throw a bit of a 'Hail Mary' pass and sent a message to the three doctors most responsible for my everyday health: My therapist, my G.P., and my endocrinologist. The message detailed my current situation and my wonderings about how to fix things.
Bless their hearts! Each one of them responded within a couple of days, and I quickly had appointments scheduled with all three that took place within a week's time. I poured my heart out to my therapist, and after listening to me monologue for most of the session, she gently suggested a few different ways I might look at things. It was therapeutic voodoo how quickly she helped reorder my thinking.
My two physicians each engaged me in conversation about my medications, and whether there should be changes. The really wonderful part of those conversations was the way each of them listened to what I thought the best way forward was, and that I got to be a part of the decision making process.
Also, in the meantime, I heard from my plastic surgeon's office. While they can't schedule surgeries more than six weeks ahead of time right now, I was given a rough idea of when it might be. Additionally, I started working with a new athletic trainer that I really like. And, as much as I hate to say it, regular exercise has proven to be a helpful thing.
The upshot? For the first time in... well, forever, maybe, I am going through life in a positive mood. The strange thing about this, I realized during a moment of reflection, is I don't know what it likes to have "happy" as my baseline disposition.
"How are you today, Nora?"
"Well... Now that I think about it, I'm fucking great! I've never felt better in my life, and I'm finally treating myself with the same kindness and compassion that I try to extend to others. I'm feeling positive and energized about the future, and tackling the problems and issues that we face, and... and... I've never felt this way before. I'll take it, but - I won't lie - it feels kinda weird.
Peace, my friends.
