Number 94

10 Albums

So my cousin Keith "nominated" me on Facebook to post the covers of ten albums, one per day, that had an impact on my life. The other part of the deal was I couldn't explain any of my choices. Besides deciding on which 10 albums I was going to choose, that was the hardest part. Well, today was the tenth day, and now that I'm finished, I thought I'd finally offer my explanations. The common theme that runs through all these choices is one of discovery.

Day One (Styx: "Pieces of Eight" 1978)

This is the first album I bought that I'm not embarrassed to admit to. I was in seventh grade, and my previous album choices were, um, suspect.









Day Two (Bruce Springsteen: Darkness on the Edge of Town" 1978)

I'm not entirely sure why I bought this album in the first place (it might have something to do with Day Five). And after playing it a few times, I traded it to my brother for J. Geils "Greatest Hits." But for some reason, it kept working on me, and pretty soon I got it back from him. Maybe I was just too young when I bought it, 'cause when I got it back, I became transfixed. If you know only a little bit about me, you know I'm a Springsteen nut. It all started here. This album is just as vital now as when it first came out. "Badlands" just might be the best album opening track of all time.




Day Three (Pink Floyd: "The Wall" 1979)

This was the first double album I bought. In retrospect, I was too young to understand exactly what was going on story wise, but the music sure was cool. Before hearing "Comfortably Numb" I didn't know what a guitar solo was. Afterwards, I did. There are other Pink Floyd albums that I've come to enjoy more than "The Wall" (by a bit), but my love of the band started here.








Day Four (Dire Straits: "Making Movies 1980)

Side one of this album, from back when we had sides, is amazing. Three wonderful songs that flow perfectly together. It's brilliant stuff. Side two is good, also, but frankly, I rarely played it. I chose this album because it was the first time I bought an album with no idea what is was about and got blown away by how great it was. I was joining the Columbia House Record and Tape Club (10 albums for a $0.01!) and needed to pick one more album. I had kinda liked "Sultans of Swing" from their first album so I thought I'd give it a shot. I became a fan for life.




Day Five (Bruce Springsteen: "Born to Run" 1975)

I think I bought "Darkness" because I vaguely knew of this 'Springsteen' person and his song about 'running.' Part of my initial disappointment, in that album, I'm sure, was not finding the song I was looking for. In any event, by the time I got this, my second Springsteen album, I knew it had the song I was looking for. What I didn't know was what a f*cking monster the rest of the album was. Sheer Perfection from "Thunder Road" to "Jungleland." Please don't ever make me choose my favorite Springsteen album - I don't think I could do it.





Day Six (Ian Hunter: Welcome to the Club" 1980)

Back in the day, when an album didn't sell, and record stores had too many copies, it would end up in the cut-out bin. They'd slice off the corner, or some such, and sell it super cheap in an attempt to get rid of surplus. Going through the cut out bin was always dodgy business, because, frankly, many of the albums that ended up there sucked. But every once in a wild you could find a gem. I was intrigued by this album because it was a double album but was no more expensive then the single albums. I had no idea who Ian Hunter was, but gave it a shot anyway because I was cheap. I ended up having the same wonderful experience I discussed with the Dire Straits album, and became an Ian Hunter fan for life.


Day Seven (the Who: "Who's Next" 1971)

Let's take a moment and unpack the Who. Roger Daltrey: one of rock's all time great singers; John Entwistle: one of rock's all time great bassists; Pete Townsend: one of rock's all time great guitarists AND songwriters; and Keith Moon: The greatest drummer in all of rock. Put that all together, and make an album when they are at their creative peak. I am a huge Who fan, and it all started here.







Day Eight (Van Morrison: "Moondance" 1970)

I knew precious little about Van Morrison until I went to college. I fancied myself a bit of a rock n' roll historian at the time, so I was totally overwhelmed (and quite chagrined), to discover I knew nothing of his brilliance. This album was my introduction to "Van the Man," but I am pleased to say my relationship with his music didn't end there. On some days, I'll put Van ahead of Bruce.







Day Nine (Guns n' Roses: "Appetite for Destruction" 1987)

Upon reflection, rock n' roll kinda sucked in the 80's. Hair metal was at it's peak - and while I love me some good hair metal - the formula was starting to run on the fumes from so many emptied cans of hairspray. The music sounded a little too safe and a little too homogenized for its own good. Guns n' Roses almost literally exploded into that environment, and blew it to smithereens. I remember the first time I listened to this album and thought, "Holy sh*t, these guys just made rock n' roll dangerous again!" That was a good thing. "You're in the jungle, baby (heh-heh)"



Day Ten (the Beatles: "1967-70" 1973)

Everybody has a story about how they first got into the Beatles. This album was mine.












Honorable Mentions

Number 93

Glossary (con't)

AtRP #92 was a glossary of terms pertaining to the transgender community. The information came from the book, Transgender Health (2018), by Ben Vincent, Ph.D. I thought I'd do a quick follow-up of terms that shouldn't be used because they're out-dated, offensive, or possibly both.

Born/Natal  Male/Female: This phrase uncritically positions the genitalia viewed at birth as representing what someone is. This undermines the validity of a person's gender identity if this is at odds with birth assignment... In particular, the term 'women-born-women' has been used [by TERFS] to deliberately attack and exclude trans women.

Biologically/Genetically/Anatomically  Female/Male: Similar to the previous explanation, these phrases oversimplify biological concepts to the detriment of trans people. Gender identity is not 'choice' in the same way that one might choose what to eat or what to wear. Gender identity formation occurs through processes within the brain, even if the anatomical and physiological details are often unknown and will not necessarily be the same in all trans people. These ingredients in the development of minority gender experiences are biological, and may be regarded as creating predispositions to a particular gender identity, but outcomes are also, molded and modified by other personality characteristics and, importantly, the individual's interactions with their social and cultural environments.

When the terms 'biological male/female' are used, it creates an unjustified and unscientific hierarchy between the validity of some biological factors over others and may, in a sense, position the trans person's (biologically determined) identity as invalid and 'not real.' We live in a society that prioritizes the appearance of the genitalia at birth, and while it is true that in the majority of the population this is a strong indicator of the gender identity - it is also the case that such 'congruence' is not universal.

Gender Identity Disorder (GID): This was the official diagnostic term used in relation to transgender adults by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) in their third and fourth editions... Expert's recognized how it was deeply insulting to position an individual's gender identity as inherently 'disordered' simply because a person's sense of themselves was at odds with their body or how other people saw them. By using the term "gender dysphoria" it is distress that requires addressing, rather than gender identity itself.

MtF/MTF, FtM/FTM: These stand for 'male-to-female,' and ' female-to-male,' respectively... Many trans people still use these terms to describe themselves. However these terms have also been criticized for implying that trans people 'change' from one sex to another.

'shemale'/'tranny': These words are among the most offensive and unprofessional terms used to denigrate trans women. While a small number of trans individuals may reclaim them as an act of defiance or empowerment, they should never be used by non-trans people in any context.

Transgendered: An older term that many trans people now find offensive... Adding 'ed' to the end of 'transgender' transforms an adjective into a verb, which implies something is being 'done to' an individual. To illustrate the problem, it is typical to talk of 'gay people' but thoroughly jarring and bizarre to hear 'gayed people.'

Transgenderism/Transsexualism/Transgenderist: These terms have a highly clinical and pathologizing history associated with them, and carry a significant implication of trans people being mentally disordered.

'Transgenders'/'A Transgender': Similar to the problem with transgendered. These examples transform the adjective 'transgender' into a noun. This has a deeply offensive connotation for many trans people as it erases all other aspects of their personhood.

Transman/Transwoman/Transpeople: These examples are subtle. Adding 'trans' as a prefix functions to create a new word, which can problematically be used to position trans men and women outside of the categories of men and women.

So there you go. And remember, never, ever use "sex change."

Number 92

Glossary (part I)

So I'm reading this book, Transgender Health (2018), by Ben Vincent, Ph.D. As you might imagine, I find a great deal of the information presented to be pertinent and valuable. Big surprise, right? One of the first things he did was to define the terms he uses throughout the book. As immersed as I've been with my own transition, I didn't exactly learn anything new (regarding these terms), but I thought he did an excellent job of explaining a variety of different concepts and/or groups of people, so I thought I'd share an excerpt or two (or three), from the book for all my allies out there. I'm the one choosing the excerpts, but the words belong to Dr. Vincent.

One caveat before proceeding: In general, words and terms to describe the trans and queer communities are highly individualistic and can quickly change. While these descriptions might be useful, be careful of assuming they are the 'gospel' truth for everyone.

Affirmed Gender: Describes gender status achieved after transition... This means [a person's] general appearance, name and pronouns are brought into line with their gender identity... the term 'chosen gender' should be avoided... Note that not every trans person undergoes medical transition, and so the fact that one can conceive of interventions/changes as 'affirming' [this] should not imply that trans people who do not want/need such things are correspondingly 'not affirmed.'

Assignment at Birth: A phrase used to indicate how someone's sex (and therefore gender) was identified and registered on the birth certificate, according to observation of the genitalia... This phrasing recognizes that genitals are only one signifier of sex/gender... this phrase allows us to clearly understand a patient's history without disenfranchising the validity of their gender identity... AMAB: assigned male at birth... AFAB: assigned female at birth.

Cisgender (or 'cis'): Indicates someone whose gender matches their assignment at birth... a cisgender woman is someone assigned female at birth who identifies as a woman... a cisgender man is someone assigned male at birth who identifies as a man... 'cisgender' acts as a modifier to indicate people who are not trans.

Cissexism: Refers to interactions, processes, and systems that position cisgender individuals as 'normal' and 'natural', and therefore  preferable or superior... cissexism results in privilege for individuals who are cisgender.

Cross-dressing (or Transvestism): Wearing clothing associated with the 'opposite' sex, although now almost always used to talk about a man wearing 'women's' clothing... It is now understood that [gendering clothing] is archaic... clothing does not 'belong' to any given gender, and phrases such as 'women's clothing,' whilst communicating meaning, subtly reinforces a rigid division between what is positioned as 'normal' gendered behavior [and what is not]... The vast majority of trans women are likely to be offended if they are referred to using either term.

Deadname: Most trans people change their name as a part of social transition. A trans person's 'deadname' is the term used for the name given in infancy. Due to the gendered nature of most names, hearing one's deadname can be distressing, and potentially trigger [feelings of] dysphoria. This is particularly relevant [when] calling out a name that does not match [a person's] gender presentation... Standard practice should include asking what name and pronouns [a person suspected of being trans] wishes to be addressed by.

Gender Affirming Surgeries: Some trans people require one or more surgeries to reduce or remove the experience of gender dysphoria. This phrase illustrates that rather than 'turning women into men', or vice versa, the individual's identity positions them as male, female, or non-binary regardless of their body. Altering the body by these procedures thus affirms the person's gender identity. This term should be used instead of the outdated terms 'gender/sex reassignment surgeries'. (Also, never, ever use "sex change" - Nora)

Gender Dysphoria: This term refers to the potentially immense distress that some trans people experience as a result of the incongruence between their gender identity and assignment at birth... Some experience this strongly in relation to their bodies, and may find that only access to hormones and/or gender affirming surgeries provide relief... Many trans people reject the simplistic understanding of trans people as all 'trapped in the wrong body', instead understanding that a trans woman who chooses not to have medical interventions still has a woman's body, due to it being a body that belongs to a woman. What it means 'to be' a gender is not defined by sexual physiology or anatomy, but by identity.

Gender Non-Conforming/Gender Diversity/Genderqueer: These terms are used to refer to gender expression - that is, how masculinity and/or femininity are expressed... Someone's trans status is not dependent upon their conforming to or rejecting gender roles or norms of gender presentation... It is important not to equate gender identity with gender presentation.

Intersex: This is an umbrella term referring to conditions where sex-differentiation in not uniformly achieved, resulting in variation in their gendered physiology and/or anatomy. The most visible manifestation of an intersex person is someone born with ambiguous genitalia - neither clearly male nor female (under the system that categorizes all infants as one or the other)... Intersex has come to replace the terms hermaphrodite or pseudo-hermaphrodite.

Misgendering: The use of pronouns or other descriptors (eg., Mr/Mrs, sir/ma'am) which contradict someone's gender identity... One may assume a person's gender and make mistakes unwittingly and without malicious intention. Nevertheless this may still result in heightened dysphoria and highlights the importance of gender neutral language until another person's mode of address/gender identity is known.

Non-Binary: A non-binary person has a gender identity that is neither (exclusively) male nor female... This contrasts with most people who identify within the gender binary - that is, as simply, women or men (whether cis or trans)... Non-binary can be understood as an umbrella term [that] includes a wide range of different experiences of gender and different gender identity labels.

Queer: This was originally a word that simply meant 'odd' or 'strange', and was later deployed as apejorative slur, particularly against feminine or gay men. Contemporary usage of queer is no longer as simple, as it is now seen as an offensive term by some, whilst it has been 'reclaimed' by others. Many LGBTQIA+ people now use the word as an identity category or term of endearment.

Transgender: People who do not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. Note that whilst gender dysphoria is indisputedly recognized as justifying medical treatment, being transgender in and of itself is not a pathology.

Transition: This marks the point at which a person changes their role and expression to one that matches their identity, to live full-time according to their affirmed gender, in all aspects of their life...Transition is recognized as generally including biological, psychological, and social elements.

Number 91

So I'm Doing That Thing...

... where I tell people I'm doing fine even though I feel adrift and all alone. A friend of mine would ask, "How does that serve you?" It doesn't feel like it does, actually, so I'm not so sure about wrestling that thought down to the ground. I've never enjoyed feeling burdensome to others, which could account for it, I suppose.

In any event, my surgery is currently 89 days, 5 hours, 26 minutes, and 19 seconds away. (Not that I'm counting) My feelings of dysphoria are going up and down like a yo-yo as a result of anticipatory apprehension and excitement. Perhaps that's it.

Number 90

VOTE Anyway

According to FB, I have 337 "friends." If you are one of the twenty or so friends that support Donald Trump, you might as well stop reading right now - there is nothing of interest for you here. This post is for the other 300+ folks out there who recognize him as the dangerous dumpster fire he is.

So I voted yesterday. My candidate didn't do so well. As of this writing they haven't dropped out of the race, but I imagine it will probably happen soon. C'est la vie. In my lifetime Barack Obama is the only candidate that I backed from the start that became my party's candidate. (That he won twice was a total bonus!) The wisdom of age has taught me that politics and disappointment often walk hand-in-hand.

I know that many of you are also disappointed that your preferred candidate has fallen by the wayside. It sucks to invest the time and emotional energy into identifying a presidential candidate that you can support only to have them fade from view. It's easy to fall into a "pick up your ball and go home" type of thinking. "Fine!" You say to yourself, "I'll just stay home on election day." Or you'll submit a write-in vote for Yoda, Fred Flintstone, or some other asinine choice. Maybe you'll decide to vote for a third party candidate to register your displeasure. Under usual circumstances, I would shrug my shoulders and tell you to "knock yourself out - it's your vote to throw away."

Here's the thing, though. Right now - the year 2020 in America - is not usual circumstances. Donald Trump is an affront to everything that is decent and worthwhile. He is an abomination. And I am genuinely scared for this country and our entire world if he is re-elected. Enough is enough.

I survived Ronald Reagan and the war crimes his cabinet perpetrated. I survived Bill Clinton's fast and loose interpretation of the rule of law. I survived the incompetence of George W. Bush. It's part of being an American to put up with those occasions when the other party's candidate wins. It may be galling when it happens, but it's not usually life threatening.

But Donald Trump is.

So. Boo-Fucking-Who, your choice is not gonna be the Democratic candidate for president. VOTE anyway. But you really don't like the person who will be the candidate. VOTE anyway. But they support policies that you believe are racist or sexist. VOTE anyway. But they don't really support the issues that are important to you. VOTE anyway. But you think that voting for this person might actually cause you to throw up in your mouth a little. VOTE anyway. But you feel like there's no real difference between the Democratic candidate and Trump (well... you're wrong, but that's a conversation for another day). VOTE anyway, and take your family with you. VOTE anyway. and take your friends with you. VOTE anyway. VOTE anyway. VOTE anyway.

Get the fuck out and VOTE anyway. It really is that important.

Number 89

Menstruation

I've had this subject on my mind for the longest time; but, to be honest, I have been too frightened to write my thoughts down. For one thing, I am fearful of being misunderstood. I am also fearful of appearing as condescending, mis-guided, and/or cloyingly sympathetic. The biggest problem, though, is I didn't know how to start. Today, however, a man I don't know (unintentionally) gave me a starting point. So here goes.

Every Tuesday and Thursday morning I volunteer to help serve a free morning meal for the folks in Mankato. We're closed this week to do deep cleaning, inventory, and re-organization of our space. A few of us were sorting the various toiletries we have on hand, which included pads and tampons. My unknown XY catalyst from above was charged with labeling each bin. With no hesitation he labeled the "shampoo" and "soap" bins, etc., but when he got to the pads and tampons he came to a screeching halt. I watched on in bemused silence, curious to see what he would come up with.

You see, as I've alluded to in the past, menstruation makes even the most woke "dudes" a little uncomfortable. I should know - I used to be one. It's a normal biological function for those folks with that type of plumbing, but that doesn't matter. For a myriad of reasons that someone could write a Ph.D. about, menstruation makes most men squeamish.

He finally settled on "female needs," which made me laugh. "Whadaya know." I thought to myself, "There's income equity, equal representation, and bodily autonomy in that little bin." My next thought after I seeing what he had written was: "For f*ck's's sake, just put down 'pads and tampons.'" It further occurred to me that euphemisms like "female needs," or "feminine hygiene" are ridiculous. The oblique references to their true purpose only reinforces the notion that menstruation is still a taboo subject.

In any event, I have two thoughts that I want to share. The first one is pretty straight forward. At this point in my transition the 'inherent male unease' I once felt towards menstruation is gone. There's a few different reasons for this, but the important thing to note is a corresponding diminishment in gender dysmorphic thoughts and feelings in general.

The second thought is a much more challenging idea to express. In AtRP #75, I spent some time discussing the TERFs, and their thoughts that trans women are 'inauthentic' women. I further shared that, even with as much antipathy as I have for the TERFs, the part of their philosophy that contends that trans women aren't real women because they miss out on many of the social and physical milestones that most natal women experience can cut to my core.

The TERFs are correct in this regard. Menstruation is a uniquely 'female' activity, and I will never experience it. If I felt that this was the sole criteria in defining "womanhood," I would be unbearably depressed. Thankfully that's not how I feel. But yes, I do feel a loss of connection for not being able to share this nearly universe female experience.

Now. To be 100% clear, I am firmly aware that menstruation can be painful and burdensome. That it can cause decades of physical discomfort. That it can interfere and get in the way of important life events. That it's expensive. That it can be messy, and clean up a hassle. Many, if not most women will read that last paragraph and say one of two things. Some variation upon "Are you f*cking nuts?!" or "Be careful what you wish for!" I am also aware that some people might read this as some sort of empty, pandering comment aimed at eliciting some sort of "Aww, that's so sweet, Nora, welcome to the sisterhood" type of comment. One reach too far for solidarity, if you will.

Here's the deal, though, just in case you're not aware of the specifics about recovery from  vaginoplasty surgery. There's a 'joke' in the trans female community that goes something along the lines of: "You may not bleed for 40 years, but you will bleed for four straight weeks." (ha-ha) Perhaps having no choice but to deal with vaginal discharge vis a vis surgery for a month will change my opinion on the subject. (Don't worry, I'm sure I'll write an update.)

I think in a much larger way, what I'm writing about is a search for connection, or a desire to fit in and feel "authentic." For reasons I didn't understand, I struggled most of my life with feeling like I didn't belong. And while coming to terms with being a trans woman has alleviated that discomfort a great deal, it's also opened up entirely new vistas of opportunities to feel like a misfit. The difference now is, and this is a good thing, I finally know that I fit in somewhere. My thoughts and wonderments on menstruation are just a few pieces of the puzzle I am finally, slowly putting together. The picture, when complete, will be me: Nora.