Number 108

How Do You Prepare For a Disaster?

About three weeks ago my person and I were at home with our two dogs. It was a calm, but hot and humid afternoon. All of a sudden the skies turned green, the wind started to blow, and Mankato's tornado alarm system started up. This happens a couple of times a year, and, as our basement isn't the most pleasant place to hang out, we usually just pay a little extra attention to the weather. After a few minutes the alarm usually turns off, and we get back to whatever we were doing before we were so rudely interrupted.

This time, however, it seemed a touch more serious than usual. When we looked at a weather report, it stated that a funnel cloud had been spotted northwest of town. Its projected course put it right on top of our house. "Hmm," we said at the same time, "Maybe we should go into the basement." We collected the two dogs - one of which I had to carry down the steps - and went down to the cellar. We could still hear the angry sounds of the wind and rain, but no tornado. After about 10 to 15 minutes the worst of it was behind us, and we went back upstairs and got back to whatever we were doing before we were so rudely interrupted.

I'm not a seismologist, but as I understand it, other than predicting the likelihood of a seismic event for a particular location, no one really knows when an earthquake will happen. Although I suppose people have tried to engineer and design buildings to be as safe as possible should one occur. If a tsunami is coming, you get your ass to high ground ASAP. If you have the hubris to build a house in the wooded California foothills, you really shouldn't act too surprised when it all goes up in flames.

Hurricanes are interesting, because you usually hear about them loooong before landfall. They can be awesomely destructive, but unless you're bravely stupid or stupidly brave, you can usually remove yourself from the hurricane's path. Unless you're Puerto Rico and moving your island out of the way is not an option. You also get fucked after the storm, too.

In our country, we have a national election in less than 100 days. I have made it abundantly clear to even the most casual readers that I believe Donald Trump and his presidency has been very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very ungood. I believe his defeat will be a day of national (if not international), redemption and celebration. Today, the polls and prognosticators suggest that his opponent will win. I am (oh so) cautiously optimistic.

But then I imagine Charlie Brown eying the football that Lucy is holding for him to kick. As much as I want to believe that Lucy won't pull the ball away at the last second this time, there's a nagging voice in the back of my head wondering if Trump might somehow end up getting re-elected.

Let me be crystal-fucking-clear. Before Trump's presidency, I have been disappointed by the results of elections in the past. In my lifetime, I have been saddened, heartbroken, and angered by the actions of other presidents. In my lifetime, I believe other presidents have engaged in illegal actions that have sullied the office of the US presidency. However, Donald Trump has set a benchmark for presidential malfeasance, ineptitude, criminality, heartlessness, cruelty, divisiveness, treachery, inhumanity, depravity, indifference, and narcissism so high, er... low, I mean, that it can't be seen the chasm is so deep. Whoever the second worst president is, they are so far behind, it would take traveling at the speed of light to catch Trump. Do you get it now?

So as much as I want to celebrate his imminent defeat, I can't do it. Instead I find myself pondering the "what ifs" of a second Trump term, and I am scared shitless. How do you prepare for that disaster? I honestly don't fucking know.

VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE

Number 107

What do you do...

...when depression is winning? When the walls feel like they’re closing in? When it feels like there’s no one to turn to? When all purpose is lost? When there seems to be no reason to try? When you feel all alone?

What do you do?

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I wrote this yesterday. A variety of 'ingredients' mixed themselves together and left me profoundly depressed. It was an emotionally exhausting and painful day. After some time alone, some LOUD music, and a little exercise, I regained a small degree of normalcy. I am better today, but I can still feel my demons snapping at my heels, waiting for their next moment to strike.

I published it to the blog, but didn't 'publicize' it the way I usually do, via an announcement on Facebook. I occasionally do that for a number of different reasons. Yesterday's reason could be be termed: "An embarrassing attempt for attention so pathetic I couldn't, in good consciousness, publicize it any further." I had posted a shorter version of it on FB about 30 minutes earlier, but deleted it when common sense set in. (It's worth noting that a number of friends did leave messages of kindness and support in the short time it was up.)

So why not delete this one, too? Because it is an entirely accurate account of a significant mental health crisis. As such, it deserves to be respected for that What it doesn't deserve is to be deleted.

I have spent a great deal of blog time discussing my battles with depression and anxiety on this blog. Maybe too much. But deleting what I wrote yesterday not only feels like trying to sweep the problem away under the carpet - it also feels dishonest.

I write about my mental health struggles because, as painful as they are; no matter how badly they can distort my perception of myself and my world, I will not be embarrassed or ashamed by them.
In such a way, maybe someone coming up after me will know that they don't have to suffer in a lonely, all-consuming silence by themselves. That is my hope, anyway.