Number 89

Menstruation

I've had this subject on my mind for the longest time; but, to be honest, I have been too frightened to write my thoughts down. For one thing, I am fearful of being misunderstood. I am also fearful of appearing as condescending, mis-guided, and/or cloyingly sympathetic. The biggest problem, though, is I didn't know how to start. Today, however, a man I don't know (unintentionally) gave me a starting point. So here goes.

Every Tuesday and Thursday morning I volunteer to help serve a free morning meal for the folks in Mankato. We're closed this week to do deep cleaning, inventory, and re-organization of our space. A few of us were sorting the various toiletries we have on hand, which included pads and tampons. My unknown XY catalyst from above was charged with labeling each bin. With no hesitation he labeled the "shampoo" and "soap" bins, etc., but when he got to the pads and tampons he came to a screeching halt. I watched on in bemused silence, curious to see what he would come up with.

You see, as I've alluded to in the past, menstruation makes even the most woke "dudes" a little uncomfortable. I should know - I used to be one. It's a normal biological function for those folks with that type of plumbing, but that doesn't matter. For a myriad of reasons that someone could write a Ph.D. about, menstruation makes most men squeamish.

He finally settled on "female needs," which made me laugh. "Whadaya know." I thought to myself, "There's income equity, equal representation, and bodily autonomy in that little bin." My next thought after I seeing what he had written was: "For f*ck's's sake, just put down 'pads and tampons.'" It further occurred to me that euphemisms like "female needs," or "feminine hygiene" are ridiculous. The oblique references to their true purpose only reinforces the notion that menstruation is still a taboo subject.

In any event, I have two thoughts that I want to share. The first one is pretty straight forward. At this point in my transition the 'inherent male unease' I once felt towards menstruation is gone. There's a few different reasons for this, but the important thing to note is a corresponding diminishment in gender dysmorphic thoughts and feelings in general.

The second thought is a much more challenging idea to express. In AtRP #75, I spent some time discussing the TERFs, and their thoughts that trans women are 'inauthentic' women. I further shared that, even with as much antipathy as I have for the TERFs, the part of their philosophy that contends that trans women aren't real women because they miss out on many of the social and physical milestones that most natal women experience can cut to my core.

The TERFs are correct in this regard. Menstruation is a uniquely 'female' activity, and I will never experience it. If I felt that this was the sole criteria in defining "womanhood," I would be unbearably depressed. Thankfully that's not how I feel. But yes, I do feel a loss of connection for not being able to share this nearly universe female experience.

Now. To be 100% clear, I am firmly aware that menstruation can be painful and burdensome. That it can cause decades of physical discomfort. That it can interfere and get in the way of important life events. That it's expensive. That it can be messy, and clean up a hassle. Many, if not most women will read that last paragraph and say one of two things. Some variation upon "Are you f*cking nuts?!" or "Be careful what you wish for!" I am also aware that some people might read this as some sort of empty, pandering comment aimed at eliciting some sort of "Aww, that's so sweet, Nora, welcome to the sisterhood" type of comment. One reach too far for solidarity, if you will.

Here's the deal, though, just in case you're not aware of the specifics about recovery from  vaginoplasty surgery. There's a 'joke' in the trans female community that goes something along the lines of: "You may not bleed for 40 years, but you will bleed for four straight weeks." (ha-ha) Perhaps having no choice but to deal with vaginal discharge vis a vis surgery for a month will change my opinion on the subject. (Don't worry, I'm sure I'll write an update.)

I think in a much larger way, what I'm writing about is a search for connection, or a desire to fit in and feel "authentic." For reasons I didn't understand, I struggled most of my life with feeling like I didn't belong. And while coming to terms with being a trans woman has alleviated that discomfort a great deal, it's also opened up entirely new vistas of opportunities to feel like a misfit. The difference now is, and this is a good thing, I finally know that I fit in somewhere. My thoughts and wonderments on menstruation are just a few pieces of the puzzle I am finally, slowly putting together. The picture, when complete, will be me: Nora.