Number 107

What do you do...

...when depression is winning? When the walls feel like they’re closing in? When it feels like there’s no one to turn to? When all purpose is lost? When there seems to be no reason to try? When you feel all alone?

What do you do?

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I wrote this yesterday. A variety of 'ingredients' mixed themselves together and left me profoundly depressed. It was an emotionally exhausting and painful day. After some time alone, some LOUD music, and a little exercise, I regained a small degree of normalcy. I am better today, but I can still feel my demons snapping at my heels, waiting for their next moment to strike.

I published it to the blog, but didn't 'publicize' it the way I usually do, via an announcement on Facebook. I occasionally do that for a number of different reasons. Yesterday's reason could be be termed: "An embarrassing attempt for attention so pathetic I couldn't, in good consciousness, publicize it any further." I had posted a shorter version of it on FB about 30 minutes earlier, but deleted it when common sense set in. (It's worth noting that a number of friends did leave messages of kindness and support in the short time it was up.)

So why not delete this one, too? Because it is an entirely accurate account of a significant mental health crisis. As such, it deserves to be respected for that What it doesn't deserve is to be deleted.

I have spent a great deal of blog time discussing my battles with depression and anxiety on this blog. Maybe too much. But deleting what I wrote yesterday not only feels like trying to sweep the problem away under the carpet - it also feels dishonest.

I write about my mental health struggles because, as painful as they are; no matter how badly they can distort my perception of myself and my world, I will not be embarrassed or ashamed by them.
In such a way, maybe someone coming up after me will know that they don't have to suffer in a lonely, all-consuming silence by themselves. That is my hope, anyway.