writer's block
it's not that i can't think of anything to write about... there are plenty of subjects on my mind that i want to touch upon... maybe that's the problem - there's so many different topics that i'm having trouble making up my mind which one to focus upon... of course there's more to it than that... many of these subjects have me very concerned about my future, the future of my trans siblings, my country and my world. i am afraid of some things and my fear makes me reluctant to write about those things... denial is not just a river in egypt... but it's still more than that... i've been sitting on an almost finished post about music for awhile... that one is fun, so why don't i finish and publish it... what's keeping me from it...? i don't know for sure but i suspect part of it is recovery fatigue... not only am i easily 'worn out,' i'm 'worn out' of being 'worn out'... when will that fucking wound heal...? and i can't forget my old friend depression... how deflating when it came to visit me again... "i have a vagina, now! go away," i say. "yes," it replies, "but you still have bad brain chemistry, too..." yesterday i had the stirrings of my firs panic attack since surgery, "uh-oh," i thought, "what's this about...?" and still, that powerful voice in my head screaming, "goddammit, just write something..." "yes, but what?" i reply... "you could always write about having writer's block..." "that's not a bad idea..." "yes, you could write it as one long paragraph in which you detail all the different reasons why you feel blocked..." that's good - and i won't capitalize any letters to emphasize the transient nature of different thoughts and the way they fade in and fade out of my mind..." thank god i finally took care of that furnace bill... is ginger still in the backyard...?
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