Number 187

 What Would Clarence Do? 

I first saw It's a Wonderful Life in college. I was courting a young woman at the time who happened to be Jewish. Her religious background is completely irrelevant to this story other than I've always been amused by the fact that I first saw one of the ultimate Christmas movies with someone uninterested in the mythos surrounding the birth of the baby Jesus. My current disgust with Christmas, Inc. leads me to conclude that maybe she was onto something...

In any event, George Bailey (played by a brilliant James Stewart), is the main protagonist. After we, the audience, witness important events throughout his life, circumstances contrive to put him in a financial crisis where he thinks the only way forward is to complete suicide. Clarence, a third rate angel trying to earn his wings is dispatched from heaven to prevent this. He does this by showing George what would have happened to his town and family if he had never been born. George learns that, even despite the many perceived setbacks in his life, he has, indeed, lived a 'wonderful life.' He rushes home to his wife (a beautifully back-lit Donna Reed), and children (and the rest of the town, as it turns out, all pitching in to help him out, one quarter at a time). Problems are solved, tears are cried, and Clarence gets his wings. Roll credits.

Of late, depression has been kicking my ass. I'll not mince words: my thoughts have been dark. Of what purpose is my life? Would I be missed if I were gone? Have I ever actually made a difference in someone else's life? The problem, as usual, is the dichotomy between my heart and my head. My head knows I am a good person doing good works, and many people would miss me if I were gone. My heart: not so much.

This morning I had a passing thought. If I were in George Bailey's position, could Clarence show me anything to proof that I've made a difference in the world? Or, would he show me that I have lived the life of a wallflower: standing by and letting it all pass me by? I am tortured by thoughts of worthlessness. I could ask for validation, but what good are positive words from others when I'm the one who solicited them? On the other hand, as I sit quietly, marinating in the juices of my despair, I don't understand why no one perceives my hurt and rushes over to comfort me. I feel like a mime in a hurricane.

If you read this and feel worried, let me reassure you that I would never hurt myself. Despite my mental anguish, I love my daughters too much to do anything like that. "Then why write any of this," I can hear some of you saying. I'm taking a shot that writing this might 'jolt' me out of my funk. So far, it's not working. Alas. So long, for now, from the Shadowlands.