Number 212

 (no title)

Here is the perverse contradiction of my existence. As an introvert, I get my energy from being alone. I can be a part of a group, and enjoy the time spent thusly. But at some point, I'll need to isolate to recharge. So far, no problems, right? 

Let me continue.

My father left home in my early adolescence. Again, big whoop, that happens to a lot of kids. However, I was beginning to realize that I had some identity issues that were, shall we say, "out of the norm," that left me feeling shameful and guilty. My father's departure, which coincided with the development of these feelings, only served to reinforce the toxic feelings of worthlessness.

I stuffed these feelings down - as well as their source - as best I could. In many ways I did that successfully for almost 40 years. On the other hand, bollocks.

For almost the whole of my life I have felt myself to be a worthless. shameful, guilt-ridden sack of shit - all because I refused to examine and/or acknowledge the truth inside of me. I did fight the good fight. I fell in love and married a wonderful woman, and we were blessed with two beautiful children.

Finally, it was all too much, and at age 50, I faced the truth, and told the world I was a woman wrapped in the wrong packaging. In the years since then, I realized the things that I just wrote. However, realization does not necessarily solve the problem. I have lived with the hateful voices in my head constantly bombarding me with their negativity for so long I don't know how to turn them off.

Hence the perversion of the first paragraph.  These ugly feelings are relentless when I am by myself, but virtually disappear as soon as I begin interacting with others. But I prefer to be by myself than with a group of folks. Pretty fucked up, huh?

Right now the voices preaching self loathing are winning, slowly chipping away at my ability to project an image of normalcy to the rest of the world. I feel like I am collapsing in on myself. I feel lost and lonely.

 help.