Number 41

Processing in Print

48 hours ago, at the end of a therapy appointment, I asked my therapist about some ink on her arm. She volunteered some information about the tat concluding with "My former partner has the same tattoo on her arm." We then went out to the main desk together, did our scheduling thing, and parted. I immediately overheard her make lunch plans with a colleague. I left.

Soon afterwards, I realized I felt vaguely uncomfortable with the way the session had ended. That night, I sent her a message and apologized if I had over stepped (by asking about her ink). I used the qualification that I was still learning the ins-and-outs of "woman-to-woman" conversation.

Why, why, why?

Something triggered me, but what? I'm not entirely sure myself, so that's why we're here today. I want to unpack some different thoughts and feelings and see where that leads me. ("nowhere", the voice in my head just said). (That negative voice, by the way, is a separate issue that I will be tackling in a separate post).

Thoughts & Feelings

1. Did I pry into her personal life inappropriately? No. I think I asked an acceptable question. How much she chose to disclose about the tattoo was entirely up to her.

2. She's had a female partner. Is it possible that this trans woman (me, in case you're keeping score at home), has some unresolved homophobia that I need to work on? Unlikely. I have been around, and friends with, 'out' LGB folks since I was a young person. That's not something that makes me uncomfortable anymore. For heaven's sake, as my transition continues, I'm technically a lesbian myself. (Which is another good topic for another post).

3. I'm technically a lesbian myself. I have always been especially attracted to competent, intelligent, and vibrant women (sexually and otherwise). As an elementary school teacher, I was surrounded by these types of women. In my life, I've had three female therapists, and two female MDs. My affection and admiration for all these ladies has had a profound influence on my life. Do I have a "crush" on my current therapist? Probably (but she wouldn't be the first).

4. If you read the first paragraph carefully, you might have wondered about the small detail regarding her making lunch plans. "Nora", you might be thinking, "Did you include that [seemingly], inconsequential detail on purpose?" Why, yes I did. Because I think this gets closer to the heart of the matter, more than anything else.

5. I have long maintained that I am an introverted loner, and that I don't mind keeping my own company. Lately, as I have come to terms with my new, trans identity, I have come to realize that that is a bunch of hooey. I actually crave being part of a group. When I finally got my first job as an elementary school teacher, one of the things that I enjoyed the most was being part of a team. I especially enjoyed my status of being the only 'boy' in the group (hmmm, interesting!) I liked being on the "inside" for a change, rather than being on the outside looking in (which is how I felt through all my years as a substitute teacher here in Minnesota). Even during my long-term sub assignments, and despite the fact that the other teachers being nothing but welcoming (mostly - looking at you Hoover and Kennedy!), I always felt as if I wasn't part of the group. That made me feel alone.

6. I find myself craving the company of women. Absolutely CRAVING! Maybe I want to learn from them. Maybe I want their company. Maybe I want to immerse myself in that which I feel I missed out during the first 50 years of my life. Probably all three.

Takeaways

1. My therapist shared a small, but significant, personal detail with me. Then, in short order, she bade me goodbye for a month, and then made lunch plans with someone else. I think the sequence of events triggered in me the intense loneliness that often plagues me, and I think my text to my therapist later that night was a bit of a cry for help. I have a feeling we'll be discussing this the next time we get together.

2. Rebecca's death coincided with the expiration of my teacher's license. I wasn't in the mood to teach, so that was fine. But it did eliminate one of my few outlets for human interaction. I did volunteer work in the schools for two years, but since I began transitioning, I've stepped away from even that. Gotta protect the kiddos from perverts like me, you know. End result: more loneliness.

3. I think I need to find a place where I feel like a part of team again.

4. I think I need to find more female companionship. The fact that I'm naturally adverse to new situations doesn't help that situation in the least, however (sigh).