Number 46

Today I Am Woke

For many, many years I was a kind, thoughtful, empathetic heterosexual, white, American male. I didn't feel oppression or fear for myself, but I understood that it existed. I did my best to be an ally for my family and friends of different sexes, races, faiths, and sexualities. Perhaps I wasn't as vocal as I could have been, but I think I did a pretty good job. I'll give myself a B+.

Over the past two years, my transition from male to female has had many anxious and uncomfortable moments as I have learned to navigate my world as a trans woman. In retrospect, those were mostly times of self-induced stress instead of actually being in an environment where there was hostility directed at me.

Today, for the first time ever, I am afraid of my country's leadership, and it is very frightening. The ass in charge (I'm sorry - my fear and anger have shredded a base level of respect that I usually try to maintain), finally got his trans ban in place. Is he coming for me next? I don't know, and even if the answer is "probably not", this sonofabitch is so unhinged, can anyone reliably assure me he won't?

Now I am the first one to admit that I was never inclined to enlist in the US military, and at age 53, I think that any ship in that direction sailed a long time ago; so the whole thing is just a moot point, right? No. That whole 'good ally' thing I wrote about above has been turned on its head.

In a world where violence against women is a real thing, it's one thing to ensure that female friends and acquaintances get home safely, but it's a whole other thing to be the one who's afraid. Or to be indignant and angry (as a good Christian should), when a mosque or synagogue is desecrated. Or to be worried for the safety of gay folks when I see a sign that says "All F*** must die!" Today, I am scared and angry for myself. And this fear is qualitatively different than the fear a good ally feels for others. How dare this country's leaders make me feel this way.

As I reflect back on my life, it is undeniable that I have lived a live of privilege. It's hard to deny the many doors that were open to me as that heterosexual, white, American, male. But now I'm a trans woman and I think that I have surrendered some of my privilege. The fear I feel today is real. But it's also true that this fear is the same fear that every woman,  minority, or any other LGBT person has personally felt at different times. Today, I am scared. Today I am woke.