Number 51

Roles

It doesn't seem to matter how long you've been away, does it? If you were the funny one all those years ago, you're going to fall right back into that role, even if you haven't told a joke in years. In family settings this happens all the time. My father, the youngest of four brothers was the "Goddamn Baby Brother" for years, which irked him, until that 'honorific' was retired on his 50th birthday. In high school were you a jock? A stoner? An arts geek? In part, these roles reflect our individual personalities, so it's understandable, I guess, that it's hard to move past them as we get older.

In  college there were nine of us who rented a house together. Most of us had already known each other for a couple of years, and, sure enough, we had our roles. There were a couple of rapid fire quipsters who were much quicker and wittier than me. I tended to specialise in esoteric references, word play, and the more bizarre attempts at humor. I'd receive a perplexed look as often as a laugh. I had heart and soul, but not to the degree as a few others, so I didn't fit that role. I was reasonably smart, but a few others were brilliant. I was only an ok student among a group of hard core grinders. In truth, even though I was the oldest in the group (by one whole day), I often felt like the kid brother.

In any event, we're all getting together this weekend for the first time in 17 years. I'm very excited. But I'm also a little bit afraid. For you see, these wonderful people only know me as a cis-gender male. I played this role so well, I fooled even myself for close to 50 years. They haven't met the real me - a trans woman named Nora, and I'm afraid they won't get the chance, because we'll all fall back into the roles the nine of us have played all those years ago.

Perhaps I'm just being silly. After all, when I came out to this group one year ago, they all embraced the 'new' me with the same love and compassion that they have always shown. But we can fall back into our old roles so seamlessly, it's not until afterward that you realise it happened. I think that ultimately, what this is about, is wanting their validation for my new life, and that if I act like my old self that won't happen. Which is, in fact, silly. Human, but silly.

What the hell, break out the Uno cards and wine coolers. The 181 gang rides again!