Number 63

Yep, I'm Gay

OK, first thing, yes, I stole this title from the Time magazine cover when Ellen Degeneres publicly came out. Don't consider it theft so much as an homage...

In the second place, this entry is kind of a part 2 to Number 62. I went back and forth about doing it that way, but finally decided to write them as two (semi), autonomous entries. It's really not a big deal either way.

A while back, probably a year ago, I dropped this into whatever I was writing about: "Oh, yeah, technically I'm a lesbian." If you care that much, feel free to go back and check my past entries. Anyway, if you sense a little attitude behind that comment, congratulations - you win a prize. I probably thought I was being ironic, but when I read it now, it feels painfully sarcastic.

I believe there are a few different reasons for this. From the point that I was finally able to acknowledge my trans identity to the point where I unambiguously embraced my female identity took some time. It didn't happen instantly. I had over 50 years of socialized "maleness" that I had to overcome, after all. The truth is, this process is still on-going (and will probably continue, to a certain degree, for a long while). In any event, at that point in my journey, I had all I could handle coming to terms with true self-identity, let alone my sexuality. Also, I have a healthy disgust for our society's need to put a simplistic label on everything, and I was feeling chagrinned that the label for my sexual identity had to change just because of the gender confirmation process. Finally - well, if you read my last entry you all ready know - I had some unresolved homophobia of my own I had to work through.

After that breakthrough, however; and once I cleaned up that particular area of my Playground of Existential Contemplation; I began to think about what it meant for me to declare myself a lesbian. At the simplest level this was easy. I have always been sexually attracted to women. At some point in my early years, as a somewhat sensitive, non-athletically gifted young man (who occasionally crossdressed), I had put some serious thought into this, but the answer was always crystal clear: women turned me on, men didn't.

But as I continued to consider things more deeply, other truths presented themselves. As I looked back on my life I realized that even in situations that weren't sexually charged (i.e. most of the time), I preferred the company of women. When I began training to be a school teacher, I chose elementary education - not exactly a hot bed of testosterone. I taught Kindergarten for many years and was the only adult male (at least on the outside!), besides the custodian, in the school. When I taught 4th grade my colleagues were all women (whom I enjoyed being with beyond our work life together). The first time I had a female physician, I realized I preferred her to a male doctor. When I began therapy, I only considered women - I just knew I would be uneasy with a male therapist. (Please understand this merely a discussion of what made me comfortable and not a critique of male medical professionals).

I also realized that even though I'm still a bit of a professional sports junkie (which, I would argue, is erroneously looked upon as a male purview), I adore immersing myself in the more 'feminine' corners of the world. A couple of weeks ago, Cindy and I walked into a yarn store for no real reason, and I found myself getting excited about all the craft options that were available (none of which I knew how to undertake). I enjoy conversations among women more than men. If I'm completely honest, I will admit that I think that women as a whole are a lot more impressive than men - and I have some wonderful, wonderful male friends and family members to 'pump up' the numbers for the men. In large part, I believe this to be true simply because women have have had to swim upstream against male privilege for so, so long.

Look, in simplistic terms I was a member of the 'boys' club for a long time. During that time, I would look over at the 'girls' club with longing. For a long time, I didn't know why, exactly. Finally, I learned that I was living in the wrong club. Now that I've moved to the correct club, I couldn't be happier. For me it was like finding an elusive well-fitting bra - the struggle to find it was a challenge, but once I did, the fit was perfect!

So what does all this add up to? That's easy: I'm a lesbian.