Number 64

I'm Not Brave, Just Desperate

One of the comments I hear from supportive allies quite frequently is one telling me how brave I am for coming out as transgender and going through the gender confirmation process. I am always struck by this, as it is completely discordant with how I feel about my transition. You see, I am going through all this because to not do so would be a little bit like dying. Once I knew my own truth, transition was the only way forward for me. I don't think of what I'm doing is brave, just necessary.

And it can be a long and lonely path, despite many supportive people in my life. It's a lonely path when I walk into a women's bathroom and wonder if my presence will cause a disturbance. It's a lonely path having my archaic genitalia poked and prodded with a laser or electrified needle designed to rid the area of any hair. It's a lonely road when I walk into a store wondering if this will be the time someone calls me a "freak" or "pervert." It's a lonely path when my depression and anxiety exacerbate my worst fears - whether they're truth or fiction. It's a lonely road when my president continues to make it easier for others to devalue my basic personhood just because it's politically expedient for him to do so. It's a lonely road when I am referred to using the 'wrong' pronouns.

Though I have shared with you my history with anxiety and depression, I have done my best over the last few years to keep details about the loneliness and fear that come with my diagnoses to myself. I do this for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is my desire to not bother or concern my friends. Silly, I know. I have many wonderful friends who would tell me, a la Bill Withers, to 'lean on them.' But the truth is, I don't. There are times when my demons overwhelm me. Where the best I can do is crawl away, sob, and think my sad and lonely thoughts.

I'm writing this as I'm (thankfully), coming out of one of these episodes. For some reason it seems important to share this side of me. But it's not because I'm brave. The specifics of my journey may differ from yours, but you have walked a long and lonely path of your own at some point in your life. And just like me you didn't go down that path because you were brave - you did it because you had to. I have a friend who often says: "The only way out, is through." Amen, sister.