Regular readers (all 3 of you), might recall me mentioning that blood tests reveal that I have the hormonal profile of an average 50 something cis woman. Yay! It's hard to remember how I "felt" back in July, 2018 before I started HRT. That was the last time my hormonal profile would reflect a person who was assigned male at birth. (Full disclosure: Ever since I became aware of it, my testosterone level was always borderline low - go figure.) I'm sure that is because the changes to my mental functioning have happened so gradually it's been impossible to chart them. The other challenge in evaluating any changes is the fact that my basic "me-ness" is essentially the same. But if there weren't any differences, why would I be writing this?
The first thing we must agree on is that each man, woman, and everyone else has a little bit of E (estrogen) and T (testosterone) floating around their body. So I haven't "replaced" all the androgens in my body, so much as I've changed their percentages. What follows are some interesting observations that may, or may not, reinforce certain cultural male/female gender differences. You decide.
1. I dance a lot better than I used to. Seriously. I guess I always knew I had hips. The big discovery was realizing they move.
2. The other day was a gym day for me. I got ready to go. (OK: parenthetical thought here, but what is the f*cking deal with sports bras - impossible to put on, and worse to get off!) In the old days, I would have then left the house. But no more:
"Oh, let me take care of that real quick." "Um, why did I walk into this room?" "Oh yeah, don't forget the breakfast dishes." "Sh*t, where is my phone? Oh there it is!" "Should I let the dogs out first?" "Where are my keys?" "Oh, yeah!, I need to start a load of laundry!"AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHH!! Just leave the f*cking house already!
3. Men are flat and women have curves. Emotionally speaking. (Get your minds out of the gutter!) Perhaps I shouldn't generalize to such an extent. Let's just say that my emotional palette has a lot more shades of color than it used to.
4. A man and a woman arrive at a door at the same time: Which one apologizes to the other? A woman and a man are working their way through a crowd: Which one apologizes to the other folks (as oppossed to saying "excuse me")? A man and a woman are watching a sporting event, but they're not rooting for the same team: Which one apologizes to the other? Why am I apologizing more than I used to?
5. Why do I feel like crying?
6. GAD. Otherwise known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It's been present in my life for a long while now. Anti-depressants specifically formulated to treat it have been very helpful to me. Only here's the difference now. Very specific, intense panic attacks that occur with alarming regularity. I mentioned this on FB, and many of the responses from my female friends indicated their familiarity with them. There's nothing to do but try and 'ride the wave' of panic until it subsides.
7. Friendships are more important to me. I'm sure there were a variety of reasons that I was as introverted as I used to be. But I'm not interested in hashing them out, so let's just accept that I was (shy and introverted). I was always polite, and if someone asked me a question about what was going on in my life, I would answer; but it rarely occurred to me to ask another person, a friend even, what was going on in their life.
Nowadays, I'm still kind of introverted, and being alone is how I energize myself, but I definitely enjoy the company of others (especially women), much more than I used to. And I've gotten much better at the give and take that makes conversations worthwhile.
8. Seriously... why am I crying again!
No comments:
Post a Comment