I Dead-Named Myself
'Dead-naming,' for those who don't know, is a term used by the trans community to refer to one's former identity. It can be a noun, as in: "My dead-name is/was ______." It can also be used a verb, as in: "My aunt still dead-names me, and it really hurts." That example kind of gets to the heart of the matter. Dead-naming is rarely used in circumstantially positive situations. It is, in fact, usually used by a trans person to convey pain, anxiety, disappointment, dread, etc.
Though I've come to understand the extent to which being dead-named causes hurt to different members of the trans community, my own history with the term has been a little more ambiguous. I remember when I first heard/learned about it, I thought it was extremely harsh. I mean it had the word "dead" right in it, for goodness sakes. But the reason for that is simple. Unlike many other trans people, I do not have a negative relationship with my former life - including the name my parents gave me back in 1966. My life was good, and I had a good name - it's just that neither quite told the full story of who I am*. But for many folks in the trans community, their former lives are often quite painful. There are many stories of condemnation and rejection from family and people they thought of as friends. I came to learn that, as severe as it sounds, "dead-naming" was an appropriate term to convey the hurt the use of their old name could cause.
When a person transitions, everything doesn't magically change in the blink of an eye. Sure, a judge signs a legal document, and your name is changed from one thing to another, but everything else takes a little time. There are an innumerable situations where you need to notify different people and businesses about your identity change. Friends and family, even if they're supportive, will need some adjustment time, too. And, in my case, after 50 years of thinking one thing, it's taken me a bit of time to readjust my own thinking (and, yes, it's still a work in progress).
I have an old Gmail account in my former name that I have not yet deleted. I should, as nothing of importance has been coming into it for the last number of months, but I haven't. In any event, the other day I was doing some on-line work in my role as a board member of Calliope Women's Chorus that required me to send out a number of emails. No big deal, really - just normal stuff. Anyway, one of my missives required a response from another board member, and it wasn't until I received her email that I realized I had somehow sent it out using my old account. Oops and embarrassment! I had dead-named myself!
I didn't follow up with her until our first rehearsal a few days ago. I apologized and she shrugged her shoulders, saying it was no big deal. She described her initial confusion of receiving an email from someone she didn't know (who seemed to know her), but she ultimately figured it out. I told her she was the only other person in the choir who could answer the trivia question: "What was Nora's original name?," and then the conversation turned to another topic.
What's interesting to me about this whole thing is how mortified I felt when I realized what I had done. With everything I told you about my relationship with my old identity, you would think it would not have been that big a deal, but it sure felt that way. Perhaps if the same thing had happened earlier in my transition, I would not have been so keenly embarrassed. Or perhaps it's because it happened in connection with the choir - one of the few places where I have been unambiguously welcomed as 'Nora Henry - female.' For what it's worth, as time has passed, I have become increasingly reluctant to refer or use my old name. Perhaps the longer I live my life as "Nora" the further I am removed from my old life, no matter how affectionate I feel towards it. Such a thought leaves me both happy and sad at the same time. In the long run, I suppose, this is the only life I have, and it doesn't really matter that I lived the first part one way, and the second part another. I just have to convince my heart of that.
*For those who don't know, "Nora" was the other of the two names they had chosen for me a loooooong time ago when I was born.
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