Number 97

Regret

"If only." Those must be the two saddest words in the world.    - Mercedes Lackey

Remorse is the poison of life.     - Charlotte Bronte

If we spend our time with regrets over yesterday, and worries over what might happen tomorrow, we have no today in which to live.     - Thomas Sowell


I started this post by 'googling' "regret cliches." The three I chose were a small sampling of many I could have selected from. I'm not surprised by this - in fact I kind of expected it. Variations on regret make up a great number of life's platitudes. One of the most common themes is that dwelling on your regrets is unhealthy, unproductive, and a tremendous waste of the limited time we are given. Intellectually I understand and agree with these believes. I need zero convincing that brooding about past blunders - both sins of omission and commission - is a tremendous mistake.

And yet, here I am. My thoughts are constantly bombarded with memories of my past failings. What's worse is that there seems to be an expectation attached to these memories that allows me to go back in time and retroactively fix my mistakes. 

I am in a near constant state of lament as I ponder the good choices I should have made and regret at the poor choices I have made. Unless I can distract myself somehow, this mental slideshow of my life's fuck-ups runs in a constant loop. Often times my dreams will be invaded by these thoughts, too, rendering sleep a poor respite from the weight of these torturous thoughts and memories.

I am a great believer in forgiveness, but for some reason, I am utterly unable to forgive myself.