Number 124

 Apologies

1. My second 'girlfriend' and her family

"Why is girlfriend in quotation marks?" You might be asking. It's because we were barely teenagers when the event upon which I am writing took place. In the time and place that this took place, 'dating' consisted of holding hands at the high school football games or the movies. No lip action whatsoever. Were this romance to be considered using Paradise By The Dashboard Light as a rubric, I would have been called "out" on a passed third strike.

In the preceding year, my parents had divorced, and, as a result, I was about to move FAR away. My 2nd girlfriend made a sensible decision and said... well, I don't remember the actual words, but I was sent packing, literally - given that the move was soon to happen. Of course, what made sense to every other person on the planet, left me addled and confused. So in a grand gesture of love that only makes sense to adolescent boys, I proceeded to ride my bike, back and forth, in front of her house, for over two hours. Surely, if someone had asked me what I hoped to accomplish, I would have responded with the perfect mixture of confusion and melodrama.

It was all for naught, I thought at the time. No one appeared to be home. (Which begs the question why didn't I stop if I thought no one was home. What can I say, hope springs eternal. And I was stupid.) It wasn't until years later that I learned that she and the rest of her family had been home. Oh good Lord! What exquisite embarrassment. By that time, their annoyance had turned to amusement, but still.

In any event, I never apologized. So, in the spirit of this post, I'm sorry.

2. A few folks in my high school class.

I imagine every high school has certain students, that for whatever reason, never escape one of the worst circles of hell ever created. In a Venn diagram it would be the confluence of unpopular, and (conventionally) unattractive. Throw in the manifestations of an impoverished home life (dirty, unkempt, or unfashionable clothing), and these kids have no fucking chance. They are teased relentlessly. They are the butt of jokes and the occasional cruel prank. The stratification of popularity in high school is so rigidly enforced that you risk your own demotion merely by acting friendly towards such classmates.

My class had a few such students. If you want to know the reasons why they found themselves in this unenviable position, you'll have to look elsewhere. They've already served their time in hell and don't need me to bring up the particulars at this late date. I never actively participated in their debasement. I suppose I can pat myself on the back for that. But, more importantly, I never tried to empathize with them. Nor did I ever reach out and try and help them in any way. One of the things I have learned as I've gotten older is that being kind to others is really not much harder than being indifferent. I wish I had done better by these classmates.

So, to those folks who went through high school hell (BHS, class of '84), I'm sorry.

3. Karen Carpenter (yes, that Karen Carpenter) 

My sense of humor is like a shot gun blast - a huge swath of pellets that mostly miss the target, but for the ones that do hit the target, they can cause a lot of damage (i.e. they're funny). I also have a tendency towards provocation - I love to get a "Nora!" response when someone can't quite believe that something that inappropriate came out of my mouth. I also love gallows, or dark humor, too. (I also love really bad puns, but that has nothing to do with why I owe Karen Carpenter an apology).

In any event, a long time ago, but at an age when I should have known better, I made a 'joke' at Karen's expense that consisted of all those elements listed above. I was quite pleased with the reaction I got. It was provocative, it was tasteless, it was dark. What it wasn't, was funny. I'm not going to write it down, but, as you can probably imagine, I used her struggle with anorexia, which ultimately led to her untimely death, as the crux of the joke. I've regretted it many times since then, especially the part where I felt so fucking witty afterwards. Raising two daughters, with their demographic propensity towards eating disorders, has only compounded my regret.

Fast forward a bunch of years. As a trans woman who loves to sing, I am actively working on raising my upper vocal range so that I can comfortably sing the alto line. I'm getting there. In Calliope, the all women's choral group that I sing with, I am in the Alto 2 section. As the rest of the section is (currently) made up of cis women, I'm very pleased with how I fit in. 

I recently heard a song by the Carpenters and, in singing along, I realized how enjoyable it was to sing with Karen. One of the things that makes her voice unique is that she sings in the alto voice range -  most popular female singers are sopranos. The other thing that makes her voice unique is how beautiful and rich it is. Really, she has a great voice. I should know, I've been singing along with her a lot lately. Frankly, her voice is what I aspire to.

So, to Ms. Carpenter, please accept my most heartfelt apology.