A Bad Day
As I write my gender dysphoria lays heavy upon me, like some sort of claustrophobic fog. 24 hours ago, and six days before my 'bottom' surgery was to take place, my surgeon pulled the plug. I weighed too much, you see?
I failed, utterly.
I thought I was doing the things I needed to do. I was going to the gym regularly and working with a trainer. I think she'll tell you I was working my ass off. I purposely didn't watch my weight, as everything I heard about getting in shape said that "muscle weighs more than fat," and I wouldn't see a great change in my weight as I converted one thing to the other. Apparently that was a mistake on my part.
On the days I wasn't in the gym, I was taking the dogs for a two mile walk at the local dog park. I was trying to make sure I worked up a sweat each day, you see? Apparently that was a mistake on my part.
It would be very easy for me to turn this post into a screed about my surgeon, and make no mistake, I am very angry that he waited until six days out to do this, but ultimately I am the one responsible for my own body. I should have had it prepared to his specifications.
I am trying to bounce back with the necessary resolve to do the things that need to be done. I played "Gonna Fly Now" - the training music from Rocky - earlier this morning, but just as quickly the blanket of dysphoria covers me. Right now my body feels like a freaky hybrid, and existing inside of it causes me great psychic pain. I'm no longer my old self, but nor am I the woman I long to be. I am a weirdo.
It is an ironic coincidence that in my last blog post, I apologized to Karen Carpenter for a tasteless joke I once told at her expense, because right now it feels as though anorexia might be the only way for me to lose the necessary weight before I'm too old for the surgery.
Oh, how my soul aches.
Hugs to you. Weight loss is so hard. It can be a roller coaster in the best of times. With everything going on in the world right now, it feels far from the best of times. My trainer tries to give me good advice and remind me to start each day anew. Some days I remember that and stop kicking myself for what I didn’t do or what I did eat the day before. Other days it is much more difficult. Try to give yourself some grace, and set up some good habits. Your dog walk sounds like a nice habit to build on. One day at a time.
ReplyDeleteOh dear friend - I am tempted to say I can relate, or I understand, but that would be a lie. No one else can understand the struggles each of us is faced with. I do know that weight has been a constant struggle for me. I need my knees replaced and that need is 40 pounds away. Uggh. You have a good head on your shoulders. I have no doubt you will get there. Look at all you’ve accomplished. Look at all the changes you have made. Look at all your successes. I like what Terry said about Grace. We all need to allow ourselves some Grace. Much love to you. Stay positive.
ReplyDeleteWell I was there for the Karen Carpenter slight and I laughed a lot - even repeated that joke a few times. The insensitivity is not aligned with who I endeavor to be either, or what my career focus has been, so I owe Karen Carpenter an apology too. But I can't help thinking she might have chuckled a bit. I am sure she forgives you. And I do love her music now more than ever, especially for long drives that go by best with good, pure sound.
ReplyDeleteYour transition delays are not about who you are, they are just logistics. The surgeon is shooting for the best outcome. His ratings depend on it. Resolve to lose the weight, ask the surgeon for a referral to a nutritionist. It's just logistics. We are all now waiting for something significant to pass, your disappointment is another layer, but it doesn't change who you are. A weirdo? Well, one could argue that's a baseline the has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with the fact you squeal on Scrabble cheaters.