Number 150

 Anatomy of a Panic Attack

It was maybe 20 years ago that I started taking anti-depressant medication, give or take a few years. I honestly don't remember. Upon reflection, I think back over my life and wonder why it took me so long to start. What I do know is how necessary it was/is for me to take the stuff - I'm not sure I would leave the house without it. In general, I tend to be a 'brooder.' I can over think things to the point of mental paralysis. And without the anti-depressant medication, my brooding can go to some very dark places. So, my life is better for the stuff, and I don't feel the need to hide that fact. It's just bad brain chemistry. 

One of the things that my doctors and I came to realize over the years was that my depression had a strong streak of anxiety running through it, so adjustments were made to medications that were better at treating that particular symptom. Interestingly, prior to starting the gender confirmation process, my experience of anxiety was similar to experiencing a low-grade fever - an unpleasant/uncomfortable feeling that was just there, although not so bad that it stopped me from functioning. Nowadays, my experience of anxiety comes via full blown panic attacks. My heart races, palms get sweaty, and I get a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. The colloquialism that always comes to mind sums it up well: "She's as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs." I'm convinced that something bad is about to happen, and I have no ability to control or ignore it. During the 20 - 30 minutes they last, they are in control, not me. They're not much fun.

I had one the other day. As they go it was fairly typical. In the immediate aftermath, I tried to isolate what had brought it on. Whether it's helpful for me to go back and do this, I don't know, but if I can discern any sort of pattern or behavior or some other precipitating factor, maybe I can keep the panic attacks from happening so frequently. In this case, I was successful. Unfortunately, my description of things will be a little vague for reasons I am unable to divulge at this time.

I've been involved with a project over the past few years that means a great deal to me. There are many people involved, which means that a lot of different pieces are in motion. For a variety of different reasons, the completion of the project over the last year or so has been continually stymied, which has left me incredibly frustrated. However, right now everything's back on line, and if things go as planned, the project will be finished early next month.

So. The other day, instead of just keeping my fingers crossed and leaving everything up to chance, I decide to be proactive. I reach out to one of the project leaders to ensure that I have done all the things that I need to do, as well as asking this person about a few other details. I assumed that this was a rather pro forma double check, and that the answer would be something along the lines of "all systems go!" Instead, this person wrote back to say that one crucial piece of the project needed to be "re-confirmed." Now this particular piece had been taken care of previously with little trouble, so there is little reason for this to be a matter of deep concern, however...  

Probably ten minutes later, I recognized the tell-tale fluttery feelings in my chest as a full blown anxiety attack came to visit. That's all it took. A small piece of (somewhat) negative information sent me spiraling. There I was, an anxious kitty cat worried that someone was about to maim my long tail with their rocking chair. Upon reflection, my understanding of what prompted my anxiety attack wasn't very useful. Given the particulars of the situation, there was no way that the response I received wasn't going to affect me the way it did - Regardless of the fact that it will almost assuredly not be a problem in the long run. It's just that this project has challenged me extensively, in many different ways, so that anything less than absolute assurance on the part of the project leader was likely to set me off. And so it did.

C'est la vie. What else can I say?