Number 85

On Forgiveness

48 years ago, Jane Fonda did something really stupid. While visiting Hanoi, she allowed herself to be pictured sitting at a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft gun while she was smiling and laughing with North Vietnamese soldiers. This occurred in 1972, and by then everything related to the war in Vietnam was a chaotic mess - both there and in the United States. There was a great deal of confusion and misinformation in the air. A lot of strong feeling, too - on both sides.

In any event, that photograph became an albatross around her career. "I'm not Fonda 'Hanoi' Jane" became the rallying cry of those whole felt that she was guilty of nothing less than treason against her own country. Since that time she has apologized and tried to explain the circumstances surrounding that picture numerous times. (They are but a quick 'Google' search away, if you are interested). In them she states that she realizes the North Vietnamese officials exploited her naiveté, but she also says that ultimately the responsibility was hers. As I said - she did something stupid.  For the record, my purpose today is not to defend or rationalize away her actions. The picture speak for itself, and if you want to continue hating on Jane Fonda, knock yourself out.

Then why bring this up? Well, apparently Jane was at this year's Oscar Awards. I only know because the next day I saw some FB posts about it that clearly indicated that many folks still have hard, unforgiving feelings towards Ms. Fonda. "Huh," I thought to myself, "Still." And that's when I started thinking about writing a post that talked about forgiveness, and the role that it has played in my life.

In my mind there are two types of forgiveness. The first of these is when a person forgives another for that person's actions - 'Outward Forgiveness,' if you will. In my own life, I have struggled with this a great deal. I have held on to grudges and toxic feeling about others for waaaaaay too long. There have been times, especially around discussions of HS reunions, when I realize some of the harsh feelings I harbored for a few of those classmates still linger. What earthly purpose they could possibly serve, I don't know, but they're there. By the way, my class just celebrated it's 35th anniversary. Murderers has served shorter sentences than a classmate who teased me when we were both 14! Ugh!

In my more recent past, I have been significantly hurt by the actions of others. More often than not they were friends and colleagues whom I enjoyed being around, which makes those wounds even more painful. However, when I came across the aphorism: "Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die," I found a truth to rally around. It was up to me, and only me, to purge my soul of all the unnecessary bilious baggage it harbored towards other people. Doing this, though, was, and is, hard work. And sometimes that red hot coal of anger feels kinda good. But, just like a triple bacon cheeseburger and a side of greasy fries, ultimately it is not good for you. When you can finally think about the person who wronged you; and, with a tired shake of your head, just let it go, you know the hard work has been worth it.

The other type forgiveness - 'Inward Forgiveness' - is a tougher nut to crack. I have often joked with others (mostly my therapists, ha-ha), that if I talked to other people the way I talk to myself I would get arrested. When we do something stupid or mean, followed by contrition on our part, forgiveness might come from the person wounded by our actions, but letting ourselves off the hook often takes a long time. At least it does for me. There are still some relationships from when I was in college that I look back upon with shame.

I have worked hard at learning forgiveness, and I'm happy to say, I have been (mostly) successful. That my efforts coincide with my coming to terms with myself as a transgender person is, I believe, not a coincidence. Once I started ridding myself of hostility and feelings of anger, I found they were replaced with feelings of contentment and good wishes for others. Those feelings, in turn, spurred on more good thoughts and feelings. I have come to realize that living my days with a positive outlook is a much more fulfilling way to go through life.

So where does this leave Jane Fonda and her haters? I don't rightly know. But my opinion is that Ms. Fonda has made peace with herself and her actions - both the event itself, and everything that has followed it. I imagine the hostility that people still feel doesn't hurt her in the least. But forgiveness remains hard. And, it can be a slippery slope. Is Ted Bundy worthy of forgiveness? Hitler? Stalin?

The link below takes you to a video in which a mother forgives her son's killer. I don't know if I could do that, if I ever found myself in that position. But the power of her forgiveness is palpable - both in her life and in his. I know my own life is better for practicing forgiveness. I often wonder how much better the world would be if everybody were able to let go of some anger and forgive just a lit bit more.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEvGf_U9soc