Number 86

You've Come A Long Way, Baby

Older readers might recognize my title as the tagline for a Virginia Slims cigarettes ad campaign from the 1970's. Riding the crest of the first wave of feminism, they peddled their cancer sticks to women based upon the notion that choosing to put a piece of flaming sh*t in your mouth was the mark of a truly liberated female. That they also sponsored the Women's Tennis Association, while using the pejorative 'baby' makes this a mixed message of epic proportions. In any event, it nicely sums up my thoughts regarding today's entry, so I'm stealing it.

Four years ago, on 2/14/2016, my life came crashing down upon me when my wife, Rebecca, died. The following year was me at my lowest ebb. Somedays, getting out of bed and showering was an accomplishment worth celebrating. How did I ever manage to move forward? The secret is... well, there is no secret. Each new day I woke up, moved through it, and pretty soon it was time for bed. At some point, in big and little ways, sometimes consciously and sometimes not, I started picking myself up off the ground. Ultimately, I had to start making decisions about my future. More to the point, I had to make decisions about the quality of my life.

Much of what happened next in my life, y'all already know - I've only been writing about it over the past few years, so there's no reason to rehash the details. And the truth is, those details still don't quite get at the heart of what I'm trying to say. If I cut to the chase, maybe it will be easier if to 'reverse engineer' to my main point.

My life is really good now. Heck, it's wonderful! Living my truth as a transgender woman fulfills me. I am happy. I am content. I am more confident and assured than I have ever been. I don't go through my days with a baseline anxiety that always used to be present. I am at peace with myself. And I am with a loving partner in a committed and healthy relationship. My life has never been better. I've come a long way from the depths I was in four years ago.

The secret? (This time there's a secret.) It was hard f*cking work. And that was the decision I had to make. Although I didn't realize at the time how hard it ultimately would become to live an authentic life, I did recognize that a sincere effort on my part would be necessary. At the time, I had enough insight to realize that continuing to live the way I had been was, somewhat literally, a dead end. Also, at age 50, I was aware that my time was not as endless as it had once seemed. "Let's get on with it," I thought to myself. And I did.

Now, thus far, this post reads like a person straining their arm patting themselves on their back. And that's definitely not the message I wish to pass on. Let me try it this way: a trans friend from FB passed on the following experience. When she finally 'admitted' to her therapist that she was trans, her therapist responded "Congratulations!" I had to think about that response a long time before I fully understood it. Finally I realized that the therapist was celebrating that this person had, after a great deal of hard work, figured out who she really was. In that light, 'congratulations!' made all the sense in the world.

This is what I hope you understand about my journey over the last few years. I am becoming my true self and that is worthy of celebration! It is worthy of balloons and streamers and confetti and noise makers! I am happy and filled with joy over what my life is becoming. I hope you're able to understand that and celebrate with me.