Introduction
"In practical terms, what does this look like?" you might ask. Good question. It started with me allowing myself to be vulnerable and open to embarrassing myself during a therapy session. From a psychological stand point, that's some risky shit. But for me, I went further. I actively asked for "homework" - things that I could research or think about between sessions (writing a blog entry, as an example). It also meant that I thought about what was on my mind before a session, so that our discussions were more likely to focus on something that's relevant. Afterwards, I spent a lot of time critically evaluating what we talked about. Finally, I did (and do) my best to effect positive change in my life.
Blah, blah, fuckity blah. The above paragraph strongly implies that the last five years has been a linear progression from poor to good mental health. I talk a good game, but it's been a rough journey, filled with many potholes and detours along the way. Let's just say, "progress has been made," and leave it at that. That, and, it's hard fucking work.
And now, before proceeding any further, I should tell you what my mental health diagnoses are: Moderate Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Gender Dysphoria. Again, nothing new to even my most casual followers. The other thing to remember is that just because I can name my illnesses doesn't mean I'm cured of them: All three of them have a vast capacity to kick my ass at a moment's notice. With all that out of the way, let's get going.
The Guts
1. jkrowking and terfs gaining ground
2. how do i not get swept up in a social networking shit show that directly impacts me and my sisters?
3. trans women of color
4. fucking surgery clinic
5. Hannah Gadsby - Nanette
6. lonliness
7. gender dysphoria
8. dread and pretending to be happy
9. i knew i was something but i didn't want to know what
10. life during covid and racial unrest
11. thinking about it protects me from feeling it
12. i'm moving at a turtle's pace while the rest of the world moves at a hare's pace
13. self worth
"What's this?" you ask. This is a list of notes I made for myself before my most recent therapy appointment. I had a lot on my mind, wanted to be able to remember them. and help keep my conversation focused on them, as opposed to a therapy session that follows a peripheral problem down some rabbit hole. I do this regularly, although this list is considerably longer than most. What can I say? I had a lot on my mind. I have this vague notion that if I detail my inner thoughts and feelings, it might provide some insight (to someone). Probably just another overshare, though.
1. jkr and terfs gaining ground: Joanne Rowling reached down my throat and ripped my heart out with her ill-informed diatribe against trans people. The problem, though, is, that even though her words are full of half truths and illogical conclusions, she has a huge platform. Her words give confidence to others who are vastly ignorant of what it means to be trans. A person I greatly admired, is now actively making my life harder. fuck her.
2. how do i not get swept up in a social networking shit show that directly impacts me and my sisters? If I ignore all the on-line stuff about trans people, I am mentally healthier. But if I can help educate people, and help break down barriers between the trans community and the rest of society, shouldn't I actively try to engage in the self-described "shit show." Both options suck.
3. trans women of color: The vast majority of trans people who are attacked or murdered just for living their authentic lives, are women of color. And nobody seems to give a shit.
4. fucking surgery clinic: I was supposed to have "bottom surgery" two weeks ago. I have not heard ONE, SINGLE SOLITARY FUCKING THING from the surgeons, or the people in their offices telling my that my surgery was postponed (I learned it through the grapevine), or when it might be rescheduled. Thanks for nothing.
5. Hannah Gadsby - Nanette: Hannah Gadsby is an Australian comedian. She is also a lesbian (which is important to this item). "Nanette" is the name of her stand-up special on Netflix. It is very funny, but about half-way through, it becomes something else. She tells her audience, us, her truth. It is extraordinarily moving and profound. If you have a heart, I cannot encourage you enough to watch this. (Americans will probably want to have the captions on - her Australian accent is strong). There is a second Netflix special which is also very funny, but lacks the emotional heft of "Nanette."
6. loneliness: I might not be alone, but why do I feel so lonely all the time? Even in a crowd of people I can feel lonely.
7. gender dysphoria: yeah... this one's pretty much on the list all the time. The problem is that social isolation only exacerbates the feeling. I actively hate the way my body looks when I step out of the shower.
8. dread and pretending to be happy: "How are you?" ("I'm fucking miserable, and it feels like my depression is going to overwhelm me like a tsunami") "I'm good. How 'bout yourself?"
9. i knew i was something but i didn't want to know what: just an insight I had about myself, looking back over the first 50 years of my life
10. life during covid and racial unrest: cheery times we're living in, right? Of course this shit is polluting my mind and affecting the way I feel.
11. thinking about it protects me from feeling it: I'm a ruminator. I like to know things - especially how different things work. I'm also big on knowing the cause and effect of different things. When it comes to the inner workings of my mind, I spend all my time thinking about things - trying to understand 'why' things are the way they are - rather than just 'feeling' them. It's a great way to avoid those scary emotion things.
12. i'm moving at a turtle's pace while the rest of the world moves at a hare's pace: yup. At least that's the way it feels.
13. self worth: what self worth? This is a tricky one, because intellectually I understand that I am a good person trying to make the world a better place. Why can't I convince my heart?
1. jkr and terfs gaining ground: Joanne Rowling reached down my throat and ripped my heart out with her ill-informed diatribe against trans people. The problem, though, is, that even though her words are full of half truths and illogical conclusions, she has a huge platform. Her words give confidence to others who are vastly ignorant of what it means to be trans. A person I greatly admired, is now actively making my life harder. fuck her.
2. how do i not get swept up in a social networking shit show that directly impacts me and my sisters? If I ignore all the on-line stuff about trans people, I am mentally healthier. But if I can help educate people, and help break down barriers between the trans community and the rest of society, shouldn't I actively try to engage in the self-described "shit show." Both options suck.
3. trans women of color: The vast majority of trans people who are attacked or murdered just for living their authentic lives, are women of color. And nobody seems to give a shit.
4. fucking surgery clinic: I was supposed to have "bottom surgery" two weeks ago. I have not heard ONE, SINGLE SOLITARY FUCKING THING from the surgeons, or the people in their offices telling my that my surgery was postponed (I learned it through the grapevine), or when it might be rescheduled. Thanks for nothing.
5. Hannah Gadsby - Nanette: Hannah Gadsby is an Australian comedian. She is also a lesbian (which is important to this item). "Nanette" is the name of her stand-up special on Netflix. It is very funny, but about half-way through, it becomes something else. She tells her audience, us, her truth. It is extraordinarily moving and profound. If you have a heart, I cannot encourage you enough to watch this. (Americans will probably want to have the captions on - her Australian accent is strong). There is a second Netflix special which is also very funny, but lacks the emotional heft of "Nanette."
6. loneliness: I might not be alone, but why do I feel so lonely all the time? Even in a crowd of people I can feel lonely.
7. gender dysphoria: yeah... this one's pretty much on the list all the time. The problem is that social isolation only exacerbates the feeling. I actively hate the way my body looks when I step out of the shower.
8. dread and pretending to be happy: "How are you?" ("I'm fucking miserable, and it feels like my depression is going to overwhelm me like a tsunami") "I'm good. How 'bout yourself?"
9. i knew i was something but i didn't want to know what: just an insight I had about myself, looking back over the first 50 years of my life
10. life during covid and racial unrest: cheery times we're living in, right? Of course this shit is polluting my mind and affecting the way I feel.
11. thinking about it protects me from feeling it: I'm a ruminator. I like to know things - especially how different things work. I'm also big on knowing the cause and effect of different things. When it comes to the inner workings of my mind, I spend all my time thinking about things - trying to understand 'why' things are the way they are - rather than just 'feeling' them. It's a great way to avoid those scary emotion things.
12. i'm moving at a turtle's pace while the rest of the world moves at a hare's pace: yup. At least that's the way it feels.
13. self worth: what self worth? This is a tricky one, because intellectually I understand that I am a good person trying to make the world a better place. Why can't I convince my heart?
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