Number 144

 Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before...

Of late my depression covers me like a fog. Situationally, I'm sure, this is directly related to the realities of living a quarantined life. But having knowledge of the reason why seldom matters when it comes to depression.

"Hey, Depression. My life is kinda tough right now. You know, the whole COVID thing? Ya think you might take it easy on me for awhile?

"No."

The other thing I'm pretty sure of is that my depression is primarily fueled by bad brain chemistry.  

"We've got another bridge out on the serotonin uptake highway and the dopamine is really backed up. If you can avoid that area of the brain today, I'd advise it. Now back to Nan at the news desk."

But again, so what? Where it comes from matters just as little as why it's there. The end result is always the same - learning how to live/survive/co-exist with it. And right now it's relentlessly hard.

For me, it results in almost endless brooding. I do things to try and distract myself from it - listening to music, walking the dogs, watching shows on TV, surfing, playing phone games - but those only offer a fleeting diversion, for as soon as I finish a thing, I'm almost instantly back to the brood. It's interesting to note that there's usually not a thought or situation involved in the brood - It's just a pervasive feeling of emptiness and dread.

The most insidious part of my depression is the loneliness. It leaves me feeling all alone in the world. It leaves me feeling that I have no friends, and that no one cares about or loves me. Intellectually, I know this isn't true, but that doesn't stop the feeling. If anything it almost makes it worse, because now there's another part of my brain criticizing me for letting depression get the better of me.

Of late, my depression covers me like a fog.