Number 145

 Apologies (Part II)

Back in AtRP #124, I apologized to some folks whom I felt like I owed an apology. Here's round two. Interestingly, everything here happened while I was still a teenager.

1.    How old was I in the 9th grade? 14? 15? Looking back, it's easy to recognize how ridiculously immature I was at that point. Of course, back then, I didn't have the insight or the introspective abilities to monitor my hormonally challenged tendencies towards idiotic/inappropriate behavior. Because there's a medium chance that this might be read by a few high school classmates, I intend to be very vague. I already owe one apology to a specific person - I have no desire to owe them a second one by writing about the incident in question with enough detail that others can figure out to whom I am offering my apology. 

Recently, in reaction to coming to terms with my identity as a trans woman, as well as the #metoo movement, I have spent time reconsidering my past behavior towards the women/girls in my life. I was hoping I would reach the conclusion that I had been "a perfect gentleman" throughout my pre-transition life. Alas, that was not entirely the case. (mostly, but not entirely.) In any event, back in 9th grade, my response to an earlier conversation I had with a classmate was inappropriate and objectifying. To that person, I am sorry.

2.    I've got to be a little bit careful with this one too - for the same reason as above. When I moved to Connecticut from Ohio right before I started seventh grade, it took me a few years before I found a friend group to which it felt like I belonged - the academically inclined, music and theater geeks crowd. At any one time, when that entire group got together, there was probably about 30 - 40 of us. Of course sub-groups of closer friend circles existed within the overall group. In my group, there was about six or seven of us. Chances are, when Friday and Saturday nights rolled around, it was with this group that I could be found.

One member of the group, through no fault of his own, was kind of in charge. He just kind of had an 'alpha' personality, and more often than not, it was his ideas and plans that got embraced and followed through on. For the most part, it was cool. I mean, we were all having fun, so what was the big deal? Occasionally, however, this meant that some of his worst tendencies were embraced by the group when those ideas should have been ignored. At one point, he and another member of our group had a falling out. I do not know over what. All I know is that all of a sudden one of my friends had been ostracized from our group, along with a very unsubtle message that the rest of us should discontinue our own friendship with this person. To my regret, I followed through with this unwritten edict. All of a sudden, this person was on the outside looking in, abandoned by virtually every friend he had had. I'm not even sure if he knew what or why it had happened. It must have been painful. If I gave it any thought at the time, it was probably to think, "Thank God it wasn't me." I was a chickenshit coward to one of the few close friends I had in high school, and to him I offer my humblest apology.

3.    Between my first and sophomore years of college, I worked at a summer camp as a lifeguard, etc. (The "etc." part involved a lot of bathroom cleaning and dish washing.) The specific job requirements, as well as the geographical location of the camp meant that's where I lived, too. Most of the camp's programming during the summer was for children who were in 3rd - 8th grade. In other words, my horny 19 year old self had little in the way of visual temptation. However, the last three weeks of the summer were reserved for "Band Camps." Three different high schools brought in their students who were band members in order to work on their half-time routines for the upcoming football season. Suddenly, there were a lots of (almost) appropriately aged females for my horny 19 year old self to gaze upon. And since I was a 'college man,' I felt a confidence that had always eluded me back when I was in high school myself.

I do not remember her name or her age, but I recognized that she had a crush on me. It was flattering, and I was lonely (as well as horny), so I didn't discourage her. Actually, that's not quite right. I believe that, more accurately, I encouraged her. In any event, for three or four evenings running, we found ourselves a quiet spot to engage in activity probably best described as "rounding second base, heading for third." Perhaps, like me, she was only interested in a little bit of teenage carnal delight with someone she would probably never meet again. But she did give me her address on the last day, telling me she "hoped I'd write." Gulp. In retrospect, I took advantage of her, because the power dynamic between us wasn't quite equal for a few different reasons. So, I'm sorry it's taken me 36 years to do this, but, where ever you are out there, I'm sorry.