Number 146

Five Years Down the Road

"So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun..."

So begins John Lennon's famous holiday song "Happy Xmas/War Is Over."  I've been thinking about these opening lines recently - not for their reference to December holiday celebrations - but the notion of "another year older, and a new one just begun..." In my particular case the specific event in question occurred five years ago on February 14, 2016. That is the day that my wife, Rebecca, died. 

"Another year over, and another one just begun." The inevitably of time marching on haunts me. There is something about it that feels like a challenge. That time is suggesting to me that after awhile, I will no longer remember Rebecca or her passing. And I suppose, ultimately that thought is correct. I only hope that that moment comes after I'm dead, too; and not before it.

The anniversary of her passing also begs another uncomfortable question. "Just how long are you going to continue writing about her death. Isn't it time to move on?" I dwell on that thought a lot - especially because I strongly desire to make these remembrances worthy of her; and not the emotional equivalent of a sappy Hallmark card. That nagging voice asks: "How ya gonna make it interesting this year, Sport?"

Sometimes I ruminate on the question of "why" too much when I'm trying to figure out the solution to life's little difficulties. Cindy will say to me something along the line of: "It doesn't matter why - only that it is..." 

In this particular case, however, I think the "why" is the crucial question to the thoughts that plague me during this time of the year.

I loved her. I still do.