Number 171

 Nora Builds a New Life

Most of you know I had a wife, Rebecca, who passed away five years ago in February, 2016. Though I am intentional about continuing to reference her and our marriage in my posts, for the most part I have not written a great deal about her death. That's not going to change with this post, but it does kind of serve as a starting point for this entry.

I had a lot of thoughts in the hours after her unexpected death (go figure), but one of the clearest was the idea that, without her, the girls and I would soon be living on the streets without any health insurance. That irrational fear was soon put to rest. When I called our financial planner with the news of her passing the next day, he was stunned and saddened, but he immediately said, "You're OK. We planned for this," (meaning a worst case scenario-type situation). I shouldn't have been surprised. Rebecca had always been an amazing planner. She left us financially secure, in a house with no mortgage, and intact health insurance. 

In the years following her passing, the following things happened: I retired from teaching, and let my certification lapse. I began therapy which unearthed long buried thoughts of gender dysphoria. I surprised myself and fell in love again. Also, my two daughters grew into young adults who no longer needed me for daily (or even weekly), parental guidance. Finally, I realized I was a transgender woman and began my journey through the gender confirmation process. In other words, not much (haha).

For those of you who know anything about gender care, it will not surprise you a great deal that much of my time and energy since Rebecca's death has been focused on my transition. Not exclusively, mind you, but it certainly took a large majority of my attention. Two months ago, my efforts culminated in gender affirming surgery that left me feeling like a woman - both inside and out (yay!)

Since that time, I've felt a bit adrift. A large part of this, of course, was related to the considerable healing that needed to happen related to my surgery. There's not a great deal you can do when you're lying around weak and exhausted. The other part of my drifting is related to thoughts of "what now?" Where am I going to focus my time and attention now that I've, more or less, faced down and conquered my gender demons.

Before answering that, I need to go deep for a minute. What is the purpose of life? Why are any of us here? I am not super religious, though to outsiders looking in, I appear to be an observant Christian. I'm certainly not a nihilistic anarchist that feels that life just stumbles from one chaotic mess to another. Call me a philosophical spiritualist who believes we're all here for reasons greater than any of us are capable of understanding. Or maybe it's not that complicated. And what I mean by that is, when I strip my life down to its essential core, I believe I am here (indeed, all of us), to make the world a better place. And while I'm not so sure about the whole God thing, I am confident that the words/ministry of Jesus provide all the guidance I need to keep my eyes on that particular prize. (Which only means that that is the culture I am most familiar with; and not that there aren't other admirable folks for others to use as the 'North Star' for their own moral compasses.)

So I am rebuilding my life with my mind firmly set on doing 'good works' ... 

[Pardon the interruption: originally this part of the paragraph was filled with details of the things I am, or planning to do. But then it started to feel like I was going to dislocate my shoulder patting myself on the back, which was certainly not my intention when I came up with the idea for this post, so I deleted it. Let us now return to this paragraph, already in progress] 

... Of course, the main reason I have the time, resources, and ability to do these things are the numerous privileges and good fortune that have come my way during my lifetime. It is only appropriate for my to try and 'pay it forward.' With hope, I'll be successful.

TTFN