Number 173

 Apologies & Forgiveness

I try to avoid using the expression "I hate [whatever]," because I find the concept of 'hate' rather repugnant. That said, there are a few things that I actually do hate. Certain things, such as cruelty, injustice, greed, or willful ignorance almost all other people find hateful, too. Other things are more idiosyncratic. Examples of this kind might include lentils, people who don't use turn signals, or women's clothing with functionless pockets. For the purposes of today's post, I especially hate apologies that include the word "if." Seriously, any apology that contains the phrase "If you were offended by my words/actions...," makes me lose my shit. They're wasted words that put the onus upon the aggrieved person - like there is something wrong with them for being hurt and/or offended. You either regret your word/actions or you don't. If you do, offer up an unqualified apology, if you don't, don't.

Except it's not quite that simple. For one thing, some people (ie. women), apologize far too often for many things that don't require an apology. Other people lack the self-awareness to understand when they've really stepped in it, and don't apologize nearly enough. Which leads to the biggest problem with apologies: sincerity (or the lack thereof). If it is brought to a persons's attention that they need to apologize for something, AND they do so; do they really mean it? The only person who really knows is the person who apologized. Ultimately, the receiver(s) of an apology need to decide two things: (1) Is the apology sincere; and (2) Will they accept it.

Which brings me to the main point I want to make. I am greatly concerned by our society's trend towards a hard-hearted and cynical reaction to public apologies. We are living at a time where we are beginning to better understand that our culture's tacit acceptance of institutionalized racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, etc. has resulted in devastating consequences for so many of us. (And let me be clear, not only do I support this movement, I'm doing my best to work on my own shit, too.) As a result, many people are being held accountable for past bad behavior. It is entirely appropriate that this is happening. And the fact that many people are offering unqualified apologies for past mistakes (whether they were made intentionally or not), is also a good sign. It's what happens next that concerns me.

Above, I said that the only person who knows if an apology is sincere, is the person who makes it. That leaves it to the rest of us to make our own judgments as to its genuineness. "I don't know? Whadaya think? Do they really mean it?" are exhausting questions to ponder. And the reality is, we'll never know the answers. However, if it's someone whose politics closely align with mine, I'm much more likely to believe the apology than a person's that don't. And that's a dangerous bias I'm pretty sure I share with, oh I don't know, let's just say, everybody else. And that just breeds more distrust and division in an already fractured society. Scary, right?

So I've thought about this a lot. What happens inside of me when I accept an apology? What happens when I don't. When I don't forgive an apology, I hold on to the hardness I feel. It leaves me tense and anxious. In the long run, a lack of forgiveness on my part will hurt me more than my antagonist. On the other hand, choosing to forgive usually makes my heart lighter and help me feel more at peace. And forgiveness doesn't equate to forgetting, despite the conclusion of the trite cliche to "forgive and forget." It is important to remember, because if somebody keeps trying to get away with the same shit then it's on them if their sincerity is considered suspect.

I suppose what I'm asking is that everyone turn their default switch to one of acceptance rather than cynicism. I suspect that makes me sound a little bit like Pollyanna, and I can accept that. I just know that for myself, trying to put my faith on everyone else's better nature makes my life more serene and pleasant. And for the record, I'm not naive. I know there are bad people out there, and I pay attention when my interpersonal barometer tells me to be careful around someone. It's just this. I have done things in my life that fill me with shame and embarrassment. I've apologized for many of them over the course of my life, and I believe I've mostly been sincere. I've also grown and become a better person, in part, because of my mistakes (as well as my willingness to acknowledge that many of my past assumptions about fairness and equality were, in a word, wrong). I'm just willing to assume that I'm not the only one who has failed to be perfect as we stumble through our lives together.

TTFN