Number 172

Clocking

So I'm sitting in my favorite coffee shop (yes, the Hag). I sat down planning to write about apologies and forgiveness (which will come next, in fairly short order), when I realized there was a trans woman sitting near me. Now you may wonder how I knew she was trans. Did my 'tranny sense' start tingling?* Was she wearing a sign? Did she give off a scent that only I could smell? No, it was none of those things. Sometimes you (and by "you" I mean "I"), just know. What do you think I did?

A. Went over and greeted her with the secret trans woman handshake.

B. Greeted her by her name since we obviously all know one another.

C. Both A & B, but I also tossed a handful of glitter into the air to celebrate us living our authentic lives.

D. Nothing.

It's not A. There is no secret trans woman handshake. I'm sorry to disappoint you, because I'm sure, if we had one, it would be fabulous. It's not B. We don't actually all know one another. Some of us are introverts. It's not C. Glitter is bad for the environment (sad but true). That leaves D as the correct answer (also sad but true).

However, this has less to do with shyness or introversion than you might imagine. It has much more to do with the concept of passing. "Passing" is a term used by our community to communicate how well our outward appearance resembles the gender image that most aligns with our own sense of gender. If a trans person is 'passing' well, a casual glance by the public at large sees them as a cis member of the gender they feel themselves to be. If they are 'passing' badly, the public sees them as the gender they were assigned at birth.

For some trans people, passing vs. not passing is a huge deal. For others, not so much. But since we don't actually all know one another, trans people tend to ignore each other when we come across each other. To do otherwise, is to be guilty of "clocking." This is a term used when anyone brings attention to a trans person specifically because they are trans. If you do this, you are guilty of clocking, and it is one of the worst gaffes you can make within the trans community. 

It's a shame, really, because there's not a trans person alive that doesn't need a little outside affirmation every once in awhile. And, in general, who understands better the particular challenges of being a trans person better than another trans person? It's not to imply that all trans people should automatically be best friends, or that we should convene a support group on the spot every time we encounter one another. But what would be wrong with a subtle nod of the head to one another? For many trans people, being out in public can be a scary thing. I think it would be wonderful if we could acknowledge one another's presence, if for no other reason then to let each other know we're not alone, or that at least one other person in the room is supportive.

Once again, I don't have an answer. The issue is actually more complex than my brief overview, in part because there are as many opinions as there are trans people. Or rather, since the continuum on the importance of passing is vast, we all just default to ignoring one another, unless we are specifically gathered in a setting geared towards our trans identities (ie. PRIDE, or some other gathering of queer folks). 

If you're old enough, you might remember a movie called The Sting. (Really, a great movie - search it out if you've never seen it.) In it, a group of con artists work to take down a mob boss. Every time they encounter one another in public, they acknowledge each another by subtly swiping their nose with a single finger. I wonder if I can get my trans brothers and sisters to adopt the same signal?

*Regarding my use of the word "tranny." I can use it. Other trans people can use it. Cis people cannot. For many in the trans community it is a hurtful, derogatory word. I only use it when trying to display my awesome sarcasm skills. And even then, I usually play around with language to see if there is another way to convey my intent without using it.