Number 176

Stare Down!

I've mentioned in the past how appreciative I now am to be 5' 10". Earlier on, in my old life, I felt kind of cheated that I wasn't as tall as my father or brother. It was only later, when I came to understand that I was a transgender woman that I became thankful that I stopped growing when I did. Still, 5' 10" is pretty tall for a woman.

I've also written a lot about my weight struggles over the last few years. When I started the gender confirmation process I tipped the scales at approximately 250 lbs. These days I'm a relatively svelte 195 lbs. Still, no one is going to accuse me of being skin and bones.

Finally, I've also written about the fact that I'm undergoing HRT (hormone replacement therapy). I've been taking feminizing hormones for three years now. My facial features have definitely softened as a result. Still, considering where I was starting from, I still have a few stereotypically masculine features.

What does this all add up to? Well, it means that if you only offer me up a quick casual glance, you'll probably think you've encountered a cis-gendered woman. However, a second glance will probably reveal the truth to you - you've encountered a transgender woman. Now to be sure, I'm totally cool being out in public as a trans woman; and for the most part, the people I encounter during the day are totally chill about it as well. I've enjoyed interacting with many wonderful and supportive folks. To that end, I'm at the point that I don't really care how other people respond to me. I am perfectly at peace with who I am, and I don't much give a damn if somebody disapproves of me. That's their problem, not mine.

There's another type of encounter that occasionally happens - utter curiosity. These are the folks that just stare at me, trying to figure out what's going on. For the record, though this can sometimes be a little off putting, I've kinda got used to it. There's a lot about being transgender out there in the world right now, and maybe I'm the first trans person somebody has knowingly encountered. I am secure in the knowledge that I'm more or less normal, so if someone sees me and realizes that transgender people aren't nearly as scary as Ben Shapiro or FOX news led them to believe, I feel like I've performed a valuable public service for myself and my trans siblings.

Because adults have been socialized not to stare, they're not as easy to catch, but just the same I notice the quick 'look away' when they realize I've spotted them. Little kids are another story. They have yet to learn the societal conventions against staring, so if they see something that catches their interest, they're all eyes. Yesterday, I was at the grocery store with my family. The store had large tanks of live crabs, lobsters, and shrimp among other things, and we were having fun looking them over. However when I turned around, there was an eight year old boy who was looking me over the same way we were just staring at the crabs. He saw me watching him, but he kept on staring, trying to make sense of what he was seeing. I thought for sure he would turn away when he saw me looking at him, but nope, he kept looking me over.

I don't know if he figured out what he was wondering about, but I was greatly bemused by the intensity he was giving the whole situation. The teacher in me sure hopes he did.