Number 179

Can You See the Real Me?

1. How to trust others in times of vulnerability

2. Can You See the Real Me?

"Queer people don't grow up as ourselves, we grow up playing a version of ourselves that sacrifices authenticity to minimize humiliation and prejudice. The massive task of our adult lives is to unpick which parts of ourselves are truly us and which parts we've created to protect us." (unknown)

In 1977 I was eleven years old. It was then that the voice first whispered to me that my gender might not be the same as the sex I was assigned at birth. Actually, what it whispered was “Nobody else is home, why don’t you go try on your mother’s clothes?” 

3. ”How did that make you feel?" you might ask. 

4.”Scared," would be my response. "How scared were you?" you might follow up with. "Shitless," would be my colloquial response.

However it didn’t stop me from doing it again and again. In a more enlightened time, I might have been willing to investigate what the voice was really saying; but, alas, it was not. That didn't stop the voice from insistently whispering at me for many, many years; but the guilt and self-loathing just kept me from properly considering what it had to say. My fear led me to completely distort the voice's message to the point of complete misrepresentation. In other words, I was completely afraid and ashamed of something that wasn't even true. It was only at the start of my sixth decade that I began to investigate my own authenticity.

Perhaps that's why this quote spoke to me so clearly. For 50 years I often felt uncomfortable or anxious in my own skin. There was a baseline nervousness that was always present. I often felt self-conscious and awkward. I had trouble making friends, and spent huge hunks of time all by myself feeling lonely. It's only now, looking back, that I realize what the rest of the world was 'interfacing' with was a fake, inferior version of the real me. And let me be clear, for the record, that "massive task" is a great way to describe discovering my true self via the gender confirmation process.

Ultimately, I'm glad it happened. I just wish I didn't feel like I owed the world an apology for taking so long to introduce it to the 'real me' 

note: I wish I remembered where I go this quote from, so I could properly credit the person. But since this blog is entirely profitless, I feel OK using it. As far as the title of this post goes; Yes, it's a complete steal from the Who, circa Quadrophenia (1973).