Number 72

Sixteen Clues

If this entry was a "who-dun-it," Agatha Christie type mystery, the last page would read something along the lines of: "Whaddya know?! I'm a trans women." In other words, that would be the conclusion of this particular book. "Yeah, Nora, no kidding, we already know that. By the way, you have been paying attention to what you've been writing lately, right Captain Obvious?"

"Ouch." Apparently my audience is a little restless today.

Let me try again. I only became aware of my trans identity a few years ago, at age 51. Since starting my transition, I have spent a lot of time reflecting back on my 'old' life, wondering how this 'minor little detail' could have eluded me for so long (since it seems a wee bit obvious now). You know, kinda like in a murder mystery, after the killer is revealed, you let out an exasperated "Well, of course!" What follows are a list of "clues" that might have given me some insight, if I had been paying attention.

The One, Huge Caveat Before We Continue

The itsy-bitsy little detail that, with great amounts of shame and self-ridicule, I tried very hard to avoid any meaningful acknowledgement or analysis of what my interest in women's clothing might mean. In the world of mystery fiction writing, this is a technique known as "misdirection." Or, in other words, I missed some of the clues because I had my head resolutely buried deep in the sand, and avoided giving them any serious contemplation.

the one, small caveat before we continue

There is not one, uniform life story among trans people. Not all of us have the: "Ever since I was little, I felt like I was in the wrong body" experience. Don't look for that here.

The Clues

Clue One: That night I was home alone and the idea to explore my mom's closet popped into my head for the first time. I was 11 or 12. I still have no idea where the idea came from. I don't mean to imply that I had no awareness of men or boys dressing in female clothing. I had certainly seen crossdressing on TV and movies, among other things. What I mean to say is that before the idea popped into my head that night, I don't remember ever having thoughts of 'dressing up' myself.

Clue Two: Noticing the "training" bras the sixth grade girls were starting to wear. Other boys wanted to snap the straps. I remember wondering what it felt like to wear one. I also remember being jealous of the girls in junior and senior high school when they would come to school "dressed up."

Clue Three: This is a fairly significant clue in retrospect. Going to sleep at night, with my genitals tucked down between my legs, and wishing that I would wake up a girl. This happened frequently during my adolescent years.

Clue Four: Enuresis. More colloquially known as "bed-wetting." I had episodic experience of this twice in my childhood. The first was when I was younger - at a similar age that many children experience this issue. The second was when I was older, though. At the time I was in 5th grade, and my teacher hated me and caused me unending turmoil. (Trust me, she did - otherwise this entry will get hopelessly sidetracked.) I always thought it was because she considered me rich and privileged. Now I think differently. Since she basically had the instincts of a feral cat, I believe she "sensed" something about me that was different than the other boys.

Clue Five: What my 5th grade teacher "sensed." I was a fairly sensitive kid - especially for a boy (in terms of the socialized cultural norms of the time). I was shy and my feelings could be easily hurt. I suppose I could have been considered a "Momma's boy." A story that my mom tells, that I don't actually remember, has me returning from a birthday party and complaining about the way the birthday boy just "ripped the paper off the presents" without first taking the time to appreciate the way the gift was wrapped.

(Clues 4 and 5 together spotlight a general level of discomfited anxiety that I now realize was present  most of my life. I didn't realize it, though, because I was so used to living with it everyday. The disappearance of this "baseline" level of functioning coincidentally coincided with the acceptance of my trans identity. Go figure.)

Clue Six: Halloween. This would have been a perfect time for me to indulge in a little bit of "gender-bending," right? Oh, how desperately I wanted to, but I was utterly convinced that everyone would know the 'real' reason I chose a costume that allowed me to dress up as a woman. Also, the way I immediately short circuited any (internal) discussion about a cross-gendered costume at Halloween is a perfect example of the way that I 'successfully' avoided my gender identity issue for so long.

Clue Seven: The Book of Lists #2. This book was originally published in 1980, and I was 14. One of their lists in the chapter "Sex and Love," was entitled "10 Renowned Transexuals." I owned the paperback version, and given that my love of trivia has been a life long obsession, I picked up the book and often read through it. Interestingly, the binding of the book was 'broken' in such a way that, after some time, it automatically fell open to that particular list. Go figure.

Clue Eight: My first grown-up job after I graduated college was to manage the office for a Neuropsychologist. As the office staff consisted of him and me, the 'management' part was pretty easy to handle. I would prep materials before an examination. Afterwards, I would score the various tests, and write the first draft of the report. As this 'first draft' only consisted of me entering test scores into an already written "boilerplate" report, this task wasn't as important as it sounds. In any event, one of the tests that I had to score was the MMPI - a personality inventory of over 600 questions. One day, when things were slow, I filled out my own MMPI and scored the results. Surprisingly, I scored highly on the scale that evaluated gender related issues.

Clues Nine & Ten: Early on, I made the decision that I would be open about my transition process, and that I would answer any questions about it, should someone ask. Primarily because I feel that by doing so, I can educate folks and de-stigmatize the transition process. However, I also reserved the right to NOT answer a question if I felt it was too much an invasion of my privacy. (For example - don't ask me about my genitals, unless you're prepared to discuss yours first!). I know what clues 9 and 10 are, but I am reserving the right to keep them to myself. (Believe It! Or Not!) But, yes, neither clue needs Sherlock Holmes to reach the conclusion: "Nora, duh! How dense were you?"

Clue Eleven: Research, research, research. In almost every library or bookstore I visited in my old life, I  always checked out the non-fiction sections for books that dealt with transgender issues

Clue Twelve: No big shock that having summers more-or-less off is one of the best things about being a teacher. One of the things I frequently did with my time was to take a week or two and volunteer to be a camp counselor. One year, when I was scheduled to have a cabin full of 4th grade boys, the two directors came to me and told me about one of the children they had placed with me. This child, they told me, would often dress in girl's clothing. As it turned out, this child made their own choice to leave any girl's clothing at home for the week, so it became a moot issue. However, I've thought often about why the two directors chose me to be that particular child's counselor. Although it was a vote of confidence on their parts, it also left me feeling "exposed." What did they know, hmmm?

Clue Thirteen: Though this is a significant clue, I don't need to spend a lot of time on it, as it has been written about previously. As an elementary school teacher, my vocational choice was incredibly female-centric. I don't ever remember being uncomfortable among a large group of female colleagues. I'm sure it would have been anxiety provoking had I ever been in the same size group with all men.

Clue Fourteen: I was recently visiting my mother who has, hanging on her walls, a shit ton of photographs of her children. Since that includes me, there are obviously many pictures of myself as a child. This clue might be a bit of a cheat, as it's much more obvious after the fact, but the pictures of me taken before puberty set in could just as easily been of a child assigned female at birth as one who was assigned male. Add to this the declaration that my mother would often make that my hair was "wasted on a boy!"

Clue Fifteen: I have played video games much of my life. I remember the exact moment I played Space Invaders for the first time - visiting my sister for little sibs weekend at Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. In any event, in some of those of the games I've played, I could choose my character (or my character's name). Whenever I felt I could get away with it, I would choose a female character or name.

Clue Sixteen: Two of Stephen King's earlier books - 'Salem's Lot & Firestarter - had one (very) minor character was transgender. Oh my goodness! I can't even guess how many times I read, and re-read those short, short passages.

There. 16 clues. There are probably others that will be uncovered as I simultaneously move forward and look back. But, to paraphrase the ending of the movie Babe: "That'll do, Nora, that'll do."