Number 73

Was I a Good Role Model?

Before starting,  I need to restate a few "truths" about my identity as a trans woman. Even though I appeared to be a male for the first 50 years of my life, it is more accurate to think of this as the amount of time it took for my true, female identity to come to fruition and reveal itself. I know, I know: I was surprised, too, when it revealed itself. The other important thing to remember is that I did not "choose" to be trans. Remember - the transition process is not a gender "switch," but a "confirmation."

In my 'old' life, I worked in elementary education for 20 years. I spent time working with children in every grade kindergarten through grade six. As I've written before, elementary ed. is, by and large, a woman's game. As an example, during my years teaching kindergarten, only 1% of K teachers nationally were male. My only point here, devoid of any sociological philosophizing as to "why?," is that almost all of my colleagues during this time were women, and that this was extraordinarily normal.

So, during this time, in addition to thinking of myself as 'husband', 'parent', 'uncle', etc. I identified myself professionally as a 'male elementary school teacher.' The reason I stress the "male" part has to do with the reality I wrote about above. There weren't many male teachers working the elementary school side of the street of public education. As such, it was stressed over and over how important these few male teachers were. For many students coming from broken and fractured homes, a male teacher might be their only quality encounter with a grown male all day. Therefore it was crucial, especially for young boys, that interactions with male teachers be as positive as possible.

I understood this reality, and willingly accepted the fact that many of my students might see me as some sort of role model, or even as a 'father figure.' It was important to me that I model behavior appropriate for a grown man - especially for the young boys in my charge. I always felt that I acquitted myself pretty well in this regard. At least until recently. Which brings us to the crux of today's question. Since I was really a "girl in boy's clothing" (which is better than being a "wolf in sheep's clothing," I suppose), I have become concerned about my legitimacy as a role model back in the day.

"Boys, this is how an adult male behaves - you should strive to emulate me. Just kidding - this is really how a (confused) adult female behaves. Joke's on you. Ha-ha"

I suppose I could claim that I was, as a man, a "super good mimic," which means that my efforts in this regard weren't all for naught. I mean, I thought I was a dude at the time. That's gotta count for something, right?

Look, I know I'm probably tying myself up in an unnecessary knot over this, but I put my heart and soul into my teaching; and I always strived to be as honest with my students as possible. Even though I was surprised as anybody when I realized I was trans, I do look back at this particular aspect of my teaching career, and feel like a liar and a fraud. Harsh judgement, it's true, but it won't be the first time I've been my own, worst critic. Unfortunately, it probably won't be the last...