Number 136

My Ersatz Life

 ersatz: 1. (of a product) made or used as a substitute, typically an inferior one, for something else; 2. not real or genuine.

A few posts ago (AtRP #133: Laying Low or I've Gone AWOL), I tried to explain why I've disappeared off so many different radars. It was a short post - not intentionally - but after one paragraph, I couldn't get any further. After three days, I decided to publish it as it was because the rest of what I wanted to write remained blocked. In its own way, that episode of writer's block exemplified what was going on in my life - a serendipitous coincidence, if you will. Believe me, I'm not clever enough to come up with a plan like that on purpose. In any event, I've decided to try again. There are so many of you who deserve an explanation as to why I've been ignoring my responsibilities.

The short explanation goes something like this: Depression, Gender Dysphoria, and Covid, when mixed together in equal shares, is a potent motherfucker. And, I guess, as far as any discussion about the cause of my disappearance is concerned, that about sums it up.

But it doesn't get to why I've felt the need to abandon my family, my friends, and my responsibilities so completely. Really, the heart of the matter is self-preservation. The circumstances of my current life are such that I had to choose between my sanity or closing myself off from everyone to live an ersatz life - an inferior life that vaguely resembles my old one, but with precious little spark or joy present. I chose to protect myself. I can't help but wonder if I made the correct choice.

Let me give you a few examples and maybe what I'm trying to say will make more sense.

1. I have always really hated talking on the phone. It's almost, but not quite, phobic. I can do it when I need to, and I'm not bad handling business over the phone if I have to, but I really don't like it. Heck, I don't even communicate with my mother as often as I should because of my distaste for talking on the phone. If I have something here in town to accomplish, I'm just as likely to drive across town and handle it in person as I am to pick up the phone and handling the same thing it in a fraction of the time.

What's that have to do with right now? Well, as much as I dislike phone calls, I fucking hate Zoom meetings. I don't find them "mildly annoying" as most people do. I seriously loathe them. "Bob, you need to unmute;" "Do you have the login info?;" or the jiggling screen when someone's kid or dog decides to join a meeting drive me up a fucking wall. Rational? Perhaps not, but that's the way it feels. They are an inferior form of group communication. I really miss gathering together to work on things. Or getting together with friends and family. And don't even get me started on virtual therapy sessions...

2. Everything's closed. I'm a weird kind of introvert. While I do derive energy from being alone, I enjoy being alone among a group of people. Usually this means I'm working on stuff at the local coffee shop. It's a wonderful environment, filled with wonderful people that's been shut off from me for the last ten months. They are open for take out, but that's just a tease. You barely get to say "Hi", and you're out the door. Definitely a substandard coffee shop experience. My solution? I don't go in at all. It hurts too much not being able to stay. On the other hand, I'm so fucking sick of my house I just want to spit. Now that it's winter, it's only gotten worse.

3. There are a few specific things, too. Managing dysphoria when all you can really do is lay around the house is really hard. So too, is having gender confirmation surgery canceled six days beforehand - seemingly out of the blue - because my weight was too high. Ultimately, this was caused by a very avoidable communication mistake. I believe my particular case has become a "teachable moment" for the professionals managing my care. Whoopee! I'm famous. I'd rather have the vagina.

4. Then there's my diet that's basically supervised starvation. The good news is I've lost the weight I needed to. The bad news is the gnawing hunger I feel almost constantly as a result. Not to mention the overwhelming feeling of fatigue that accompanies the dietary program I'm on. It has left my affect flatter than a corn field in Illinois. Except for the hormonal medication that I'm on that also lowers my blood pressure. Every time I stand up, I experience a head rush. I'm left feeling winded after walking a single flight of stairs. Really inspirational stuff. trust me.

5. And finally, Trump's two month long, post election temper tantrum. 

What's a depressive, famished and fatigued, liberal trans woman, who's trying to navigate the gender confirmation process supposed to do under these circumstances? This one chose to live an inferior, less risky life for the time being. I'm far from proud of it, but I've learned over a lifetime of trial and error that I need to pay attention to myself when I'm feeling fragile, scared and wounded. I keep thinking that the time for my re-emergence is just around the corner, but that particular moment has proven difficult to pin down. Hopefully, I'll see you soon.